ONLY THE SOUNDS OF THE WINDS BREAKING THROUGH THE EDGES OF THE WINDOWS AND DOORWAYS COULD BE HEARD …WINDS SQUEEZING THROUGH SPACES OF EMPTINESS… NOTHINGNESS… LITTLE CRACKS OF PENETRATION LIKE THE PASSAGES…THE OPENINGS OF MY INNER SELF…MY PORTALS OF EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY AND AWARENESS… MY SENSITIVITY TO THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF ENERGY FIELDS AND THE ADVENTURES OF ‘INNER NECESSITY’ EXPLORATIONS…
IT IS ALWAYS TRANSITION… PROCESS… PERCOLATION… I JUGGLE, I PONDER AND I DO PSYCHE’ ACROBATICS… I WRESTLE IN THE LONELINESS OF MY OWN SOLITUDE… I REFOCUS AND REBALANCE IN DIGESTING NEW REALITIES… I LET GO OF THE BAGGAGE OF THE PAST AND I EMPTY THE STORAGE CONTAINERS OF YESTERDAY’S LOSSES AND DREAMS…
I HEAR HER ECHO IN MY MEMORY AS PRESENT REALITY…I FEEL THE WOUNDEDNESS OF A SPLITTING VULNERABILITY…I FEEL A CRAZINESS OF SIMULTANEITY, A STRUGGLE TO DO WHAT I NEED AND CHOSE WHAT I WANT…A BALANCING RHYTHM OF GROWTH AND SUSTENANCE…FEELING SAFE YET REACHING FOR THE SPARKLING OF BECOMING…
IT IS A WAY OF LIFE…A ‘CREATIVE EVOLUTION’ WAY OF GROWTH AND STREAMLINING…AN ALTERATION OF CHEMISTRY AND EMOTIONAL BIOLOGY…SEEKING NEW FUELS AND THE NECESSARY COURAGE TO FACE THE RECURRENCES IN THE DIFFERENCES…MOVING TOWARDS MY EVOLVING NEEDS AND THE LOSSES OF INNOCENCE…
I SIMPLIFY AS I DISTANCE MYSELF FROM THE CONVENIENCE STORE ADVERTISEMENT ‘WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED’ THAT FEEDS THE ‘MANY’ WHO FEEL INADEQUATE AND ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’ AND ARE WEARING ‘UNWORTHY’ SHAME MASKS ‘TRYING TO BE’ AS ONE IS ‘EXPECTED’ TO BE INSTEAD OF AS ‘ONE IS’…IT IS THIS ‘ILLNESS’ IN THE ‘ORDINARY ECONOMY’ WHERE VICTIMS OF SYSTEMIC DAMAGE MUST PAY AGAIN AND AGAIN IN ORDER TO SURVIVE…
THE INJUSTICE OF THE RHYTHMS OF AN ECONOMIC SYSTEM OF BUILDING PYRAMIDS COMPRESSING THE MASS IS A NIGHTMARE THAT SQUEEZES ME AND EVERYONE ELSE AND FOSTERS STRIVING ‘BY ANY MEANS’ TO GET WHAT ONE CAN… IT IS A SYSTEM THAT ‘FEEDS’ OFF OF OTHERS ‘PSYCHE’ INJURIES AND WOUNDS AS ‘THE MORE THERE ARE OF YOU THE LESS YOU ARE OF ANY VALUE’ REDIRECTS THE ‘MANY’ INTO A BROAD SPECTRUM OF ‘ESCAPISM’ AND ‘GETTING AWAY FROM IT ALL’ BEHAVIORS…
THE ASSUMPTIONS OF THE PYRAMID FOUNDATION OF ‘E PLURIBUS UNUM’ OR ‘ONE OUT OF MANY’ GUARANTEES IMBALANCES OF REPETITION AND ELITISM…THERE IS NO HEALTHY OR SAFE GROUND FLOOR AS ‘THE EXCEPTION THAT MAKES THE RULE’ IS CONSTANTLY USED TO JUSTIFY THAT IT IS POSSIBLE TO DO ANYTHING…THE ‘EXCEPTION’ BLINDS AND BINDS’…
AS JACK KENNEDY SAID A FEW MONTHS BEFORE HIS ASSASSINATION… ‘THE GREAT ENEMY OF THE TRUTH IS VERY OFTEN NOT THE LIE—DELIBERATE, CONTINUED, AND DISHONEST—BUT THE MYTH—PERSISTENT, PERSUASIVE AND UNREALISTIC.’
THE REALITY OF THE ‘MANY’ IS A ‘DIVIDE AND CONQUER’ RHYTHM OF ‘MARKET PLACE’ IN ENHANCED VALUES OF ‘SCARCITY-RARITY’ WHERE OBJECTS ARE WORTH MORE THAN LIVES…IT IS THE ‘SKEW OF THE FEW’…A ‘HAVE TO HAVE’ GAME DEMANDING ‘GRATITUDE’ FOR BEING ‘CHOSEN’…EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY IS AS MUCH A MYTH AS THE PROCLAMATION THAT ‘ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL’…
‘ARE YOU FUCKING HER’…IT WAS ALMOST A WHISPER IN THE WINDS…
I FEEL THE STRUGGLE OF BEING ‘ORDINARY’…THE ONGOING ‘UNFAIRNESS’ AS ‘IMAGE’ AND ‘LEVERAGING’ ARE THE ‘HUSTLE’ OF ‘MAKING THE CONNECTIONS’ TO SUCCEED…IT IS ‘ADVERTISING FOR ONESELF’ THAT COMPELS THE WORLD TO ‘PAY ATTENTION’…
IT IS ‘IMAGERY’ AND ‘IDOL WORSHIP’ FEEDING THE ‘LEVERAGING’ AND CONSTRUCTION OF AN ‘INNER UNREAL’… IT IS THE IMBALANCE OF ‘STRIVING’ IN A PERSONALITY MODE TO GET RECOGNITION AND SATISFY ‘PRESSURES’ FROM PARENTS AND PEERS …A ‘110%’ ILLUSION MODE THAT ‘USES UP’ LIFE FORCE ENERGIES IN THE NEAR TERM FOR THE ‘TROPHIES OF THE ‘TOP DOWN’ REWARDS GAME…
IT IS THE FOSTERING OF THE ‘IMAGE’…THE ‘ILLUSION’…THE ‘DECEPTION’ THAT GETS RECOGNITION AS ‘PERSONALITY’ AND ENTERTAINMENT BECOME MORE VALUED THAN SUBSTANCE AND AUTHENTICITY…
IT IS ‘POWER’ AS ‘LEVERAGED’ SOMETIMES ‘ROBBING PETER TO PAY PAUL’…IT IS THE ‘BY ANY MEANS’ VALUE OF GAINING ADVANTAGE…
IT IS ‘ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR’ AS A REALPOLITIQUE OF CHOICES…IT IS 'WANTING TO BE WANTED' IN AN IMPRISONMENT OF SENSES' CRYING OUT AS SUCCESSFUL ORGASM MAY NOT BE WHAT IS DESIRED...
SOMEWHERE WITHIN THERE IS A HUNGER FOR BEING THAT MAY BE ‘REALIZED’… ‘FORGED’ IN DAILY ‘BAPTISMS OF FIRE’ TO ESTABLISH A ‘REAL WILL’ TO BE AUTHENTIC…IT IS A RESOLVE OF HEART HARMONIZING WITH SPIRIT AS ONE WORKS THROUGH THE CONTRADICTIONS OF GROWTH…
PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION REQUIRES SOLITUDE AND AN ASSESSMENT OF SELF IDENTIFYING WHAT CONSTITUTES ‘ONE’S OWN WORK’…IT IS STEPPING AWAY FROM THE RHYTHMS AND VALUES OF ‘WHAT IS’ IN ORDER TO ‘OWN’ ONE’S LIFE’…
THE PATH OF THE REAL IS THE GENERATIVE…ONE MUST SEEK TO GENERATE A ‘CREATIVE ACT’ UNIQUE TO ONE’S OWN BEING…IT IS THE BEGINNING OF BUILDING A FOUNDATION OF PERSONAL JUSTICE…IT IS ART MAKING AS A ‘PURIFICATION’ OR AN ALCHEMY OF DISTILLING ESSENCES OF THE REAL SELF…IT IS A ‘CLEANSING MODE’ OF BECOMING THAT ILLUMINATES THE EMERGENCE OF WHAT ‘MATTERS’ AND FACILITATES A FURTHER JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN…
ONE MUST FIND THE CURIOSITY OF ‘INNER NECESSITY’ AND ‘ACT’…TUNING INTO THE NECESSITY ‘PATH OF THE HEART’ AWAKENS ONE’S REAL POTENTIAL EVEN AS ONE LETS GO OF FANTASY DREAMS AND ‘YESTERDAY’S MAGIC’…
‘INNER NECESSITY’ IS IDENTIFYING ONE’S PERSONAL INNER ‘WHETHER’…ONE’S REAL ‘NATURE’… ONE’S STATE OF NATURE…THE EFFECTS OF EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHE STORMS IN OUR NERVES AND FIBERS…OUR OWN PRIVATE INNER ENVIRONMENT…
WE GENERALLY ENCOUNTER THE ‘CATASTROPHE’ TESTS OF ‘HURRICANES’ OR ‘TERROR ATTACKS’ AS ‘MASS-OCCUR’ MOMENTS OF PSYCHE’ PENETRATION…WE SHARE THE ‘HORROR’ OF THE ‘MADNESS’ AS WE ‘ADAPT TO THE RHYTHMS’ OF THE ‘HERD’…THE ELECTRONIC HERD OF MASS OCCUR MADNESS...
IT IS AN ONGOING STRUGGLE TO KNOW ONE’S OWN FEELINGS THAT ARE NOT ‘TRAUMATIZED’ BY THE ‘HYSTERIA’ THAT PERVADES THE OTHERS…IT IS THE INDIVIDUATION OF THE REAL SELF THAT SEPARATES FROM THE ‘CROWD’ AND THE ‘MOB’…
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS IN A HURRY TO ESCAPE AND GET CAUGHT UP IN THE ‘LATEST’ FAD OR EVENT THAT AFFORDS A WAY TO BE PART OF SOMETHING ‘LARGER’…TO BE IN AN ‘ORDERING’ OF A ‘GROUP’ WITH THE ‘RIGHT’ BELIEF…TO BE PART OF A FAITH OF ‘MANY’…
INDIVIDUAL FREEDOM IS DISCOVERING ONE’S OWN WAY…
IT IS NOT TO ESTABLISH POWER OVER OTHERS…IT IS NOT TO ‘DOMINATE’ OR ‘HYPNOTIZE’ THE BREATH AND DESIRE OF THE GROUP…IT IS NOT TO ‘TRANCE’ AND ‘AWE’ USING ‘SPORTS’ OR ‘ENTERTAINMENT’…IT IS NOT TO ‘HOODWINK’ TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE SINCERE AND THE SUSCEPTIBLE…
SOMEWHERE IN THE HEART OF THE MATTER IS A POTENTIAL OF RESOLVE TO ‘CHOOSE WISELY’…AN ‘OPPORTUNE’ TIME OF ‘TAKING’ A NEW STEP…A ‘CALCULATED RISK’…A TIME IN THE MIDST OF A CRISIS TO FIND ONE’S NEW WAY…TO GET BEYOND THE REACTIVITY OF THE ‘MANY’…TO ACT WITH AN ‘INTEGRITY’ OF WHAT ONE ’REALLY’ WISHES TO DO…IT IS A BALANCING OF THE PRESSURES OF THE MICRO AND THE MACRO…
IT IS A TIME TO KNOW ONESELF IN A NEW WAY…
SUDDENLY LIGHTNING AND THUNDER SHAKE THE ENTIRE BUILDING… THE LIGHT FLASHES ILLUMINATING THE ATTIC…THERE IS A SENSE OF ‘NOTHINGNESS’ AS I FEEL DEVOID OF CONNECTION TO ANYTHING EXCEPT THE OVERWHELMING FORCE OF ‘NATURE’…I FEEL UNSAFE…THE WINDS AND THE RAIN POUND ON THE ROOF … I WONDER IF I WILL SURVIVE…THE FLOOD WATERS ARE ALL AROUND AND I AM COMPLETELY ALONE…FEAR PERVADES MY SENSES…
THE SOUNDS OF THE STORM ARE ALL THAT CAN BE HEARD…UNTIL…
‘ARE YOU’?
HER VOICE IS SHRILL AND DEMANDING AS IT SEEMS TO COME OUT OF THE STORM…IT IS VERY DARK…I KNOW SHE IS NEAR…I JUST DO NOT SEE HER… MAYBE MY MIND IS PLAYING TRICKS ON ME…I FEEL HUNGRY AND THIRSTY…MY SENSES ARE THROWING ME ‘OFF BALANCE’…THE STORM IS DEMANDING ALL OF MY ATTENTION…
EVEN THOUGH I AM UNABLE TO SEE HER I FEEL HER TERROR…IT IS MY TERROR…I KNOW HER AS SHE ECHOES IN MY BEING…
I KNOW SHE LEARNED TO FEAR DESIRE EVEN BEFORE SHE WAS BORN…IT WAS BECAUSE SHE FEARED DESIRE THAT ‘THEY’ GOT HER TO DO THEIR ‘DIRTY WORK’ FOR THEM… ‘HER SEXUALITY’ WAS USED AS A WEAPON AGAINST HER…
THE ‘STRIDENCY’ IN HER VOICE IS ‘FAMILIAR’…I TURN AROUND TOWARD THE SOUND BUT I ONLY SEE SHADOWS MOVING ON THE WALL…SHE IS SOMEONE I KNOW YET I AM NOT SURE WHO SHE IS…DOUBT CLOUDS MY SENSES…THE VOICE OF ANOTHER ‘ECHOES’…MAYBE MY MIND IS JUST PLAYING TRICKS ON ME…
THERE IS AGONY AND LOSS IN THIS VOICE THAT PRESSURES COMPLIANCE AND CONTAINMENT…
‘ARE YOU FUCKING HER’…
THE VOICE IS SOMEWHAT DIFFERENT…A BIT MORE RATIONAL YET CHALLENGING AND MAKES ME FEEL MY FEAR AND INADEQUACY…
THE BRANCHES OF THE BIG OAK TREE POUND AGAINST THE ATTIC WINDOW AS THE HEAVY RAIN RESONATES THROUGH THE ROOF. THE SOUNDS OF NATURE SEEMED TO ECHO MY OWN INNER TURBULENCE… MY OWN NATURE…
I FEEL ‘ENCOUNTER’ IN MY TURBULENCE…AN ‘UPHEAVAL’ OF ‘INNER NECESSITY’ DEMANDING THAT I ESTABLISH A NEW FOCUS FOR MY ACTIONS… I SEARCH FOR THE REAL AND THE ‘APPROPRIATE’ WORDS IN THE MIDST OF THE STORM’…
I WISH I WOULD FEEL ENOUGH STRENGTH TO GET BEYOND THE TERRORS OF ‘MISTRUST AND FEAR’… I DO NOT SEE A WAY OUT OF THE ‘JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING’ LACK OF LEADERSHIP EXCEPT TO SEEK A ‘HIGHER GROUND’…
I THOUGHT AN ESCAPE TO THE ATTIC WOULD AFFORD SAFETY AND SPIRITUAL PEACE…AN ESCAPE THAT WOULD FREE ME FROM THE MOMENTUM AND CALLOUSNESS OF THE ‘HAVE TO HAVE’ GAME … I THOUGHT I COULD ESCAPE FROM THE RUTHLESSNESS OF THE ‘HAVES’ WHO VALUE ‘EXPENDABILITY’ AND ARE ALWAYS QUITE WILLING TO LOSE ‘MANY’ OF THE ‘HAVE NOTS’ AS A COST OF DOING BUSINESS…
IT IS THE NEVERENDING STORY OF THE MIGRATIONS AND DESPERATENESS OF THE ‘MANY’…THE ‘MANY’ THAT ARE CAUGHT UP IN THE WALKING NIGHTMARES OF WOUNDEDNESS…THE ‘MANY’ CONSTANTLY REACTING ON DEEP UNCONSCIOUS LEVELS TO THE INJURIES OF POWERLESSNESS IN SEXUALITY, RACE AND WEALTH… THE ‘MANY’ POPULATING THE ‘SLEEPING CROWDS’ OF DESPERATE AND HUNGRY CONSUMERS…THE ‘MANY’ THAT MARCH ON AS THE ‘ARMY OF THE STATUS QUO’…THE ‘MANY’ WILLING TO PERFORM AS VENTING ENTERTAINERS FOR THE RELIEF OF THE ‘MASS’…THE ‘MANY’ AS EXPENDABLES IN WARS, HOLOCAUSTS, SLAVERY, AND MODERN DAY GENOCIDES…THE ‘MANY’ LOSING ‘PENSIONS’ AND REWARDS FOR ‘LOYALTY’ LONG FORGOTTEN…
THERE IS A REALITY GOING ON WITHIN THAT IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE STORM OUTSIDE…
I AM TALKING TO MYSELF AS THE OBSERVER AND THE MONITOR OF MY OWN LIFE…THERE IS A QUICKNESS IN THE ACTIONS, REDIRECTIONS AND CHOICES…I AM THE JUDGE AND THE JURY DECIDING ‘RIGHT AND WRONG’ AS WELL AS THE ‘SENTENCING’ OF ‘GUILT’ AND SOME FORM OF ‘PUNISHMENT’ EVEN IF IT IS A WITHDRAWAL FROM THE ORDINARY PLEASURES OF LIFE…
THE WINDS AND THE RAIN ARE ‘HOWLING’ AND I FEEL LIKE MY INNER STATE IS BEING OVERWHELMED…I FEEL A ‘HURRY-CANE’ SENSE OF SHIFTING IMBALANCES…I FEEL THE FEAR OF THE FORCES OF THE ELEMENTS BREAKING THROUGH MY ‘ORDERING’…
IT IS THEIR MOMENTUM… ‘WHAT WILL COME NEXT IS ONLY POSSIBLE IF WHAT IS THERE NOW IS GONE’…IT IS THE ESSENCE OF CAPITALISM AS IT DESTROYS AND REPLACES WHAT HAS BECOME ‘EXPENDABLE’…
IS THE ‘COMMON GOOD’ AND THE ‘GENERAL WELFARE’ MERELY A MEANS TO A ‘NEW GLOBAL ORDER’ BASED UPON CORPORATE AND ELITE DEFINITIONS THAT FOSTER ‘LITTLE GOVERNMENT’ UP AGAINST ‘BIG MONEY’ AND ‘BIG RHYTHMS’…
I KNOW THAT THERE IS NOT MUCH THAT I CAN DO EXCEPT TO DO WHAT GOETHE SAID TO DO ‘MY NEAREST DUTY’…
I EXPERIENCE A NEW ‘INNOCENCE’ IN THE CRISIS OF THE ‘STORM’… MY INSTINCTS AND INTUITION ARE MORE IMPORTANT…I FEEL THAT THESE ‘SURVIVAL’ ENERGIES AND ACTIONS COME ALIVE OUT OF THE DEPTHS OF THE MY ‘TRAUMA’ AND ‘WOUNDEDNESS’…
I SENSE A LIGHTENING UP OF ENERGIES AS COMPLIANCE GIVES WAY TO GENERATIVITY AND DESIRE MOVES FORWARD INTO THE UNKNOWN INSTEAD OF THE FAMILIAR… I REALIZE A NEED FOR SELF-COMPASSION IN ASSESSING AND RELEASING MYSELF FROM THE STRUGGLES OF ‘YESTERDAZE’…IT IS A COMPASSION RESPECTING MY DRAMA OF HOW MUCH I HAVE REALLY DONE ‘WHATEVER I HAD TO DO’ TO KEEP GOING…I HAVE TO ‘ADAPT’ AND STAY IN TOUCH WITH MY ‘ROOTS’ EVEN IF THEY ARE DESTROYED BY THE FORCES OF THE DARK…
I HEAR IT IN MY ECHOES… SOMETIMES THE DEEP RESONANCE IS ALL JUST ‘ECHOES’ OF DREAMS AND DEMANDS… ‘KEEP GOING’… ‘DON’T GIVE IT ANY WEIGHT’… ‘DON’T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THE STRUGGLES OF THE OTHERS’… ‘IT’S NOT MY JOB MAN’…THERE ARE TOO MANY DISTRACTIONS SO I LEARN TO WEAR ACOUSTICAL BLINDERS TO LIMIT THE PIERCINGS AND INTRUSIONS THAT PENETRATE MY SENSITIVE NERVES AND FEELINGS…
THE WINDS SOUND LIKE A COLLECTION OF SIRENS OVERWHELMING ME IN INTENSITIES OF DEMAND…MY ECHOES RISE AND COLLIDE WITH ALL THE OTHER SOUNDS…I FEEL LIKE ULYSSES TRYING TO KEEP MY PURPOSE WHILE BEING OVERLOADED WITH THE PIERCINGS AND PENETRATIONS OF THE FORCES ALL AROUND…
THERE IS ‘CRONYISM’ AND ‘EVERY ONE FOR HIS OR HER SELF’ AS THE BELIEF IN ‘ONE OUT OF MANY’ PLAYS OUT IN HEARTS AND MINDS AS ‘SOME PEOPLE ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS’…
THE FRIGHTENING THUNDERS ADD TO MY FEAR AND ISOLATION AS I REALIZE THAT ‘HELP’ IS NOT ON THE WAY…THE STORM CONTINUES TO ASSAULT THE ATTIC…I AM FIGHTING FOR MY SAFETY AND HOPE WHILE LOOKING INTO THE BRIEFLY ILLUMINATING SHADOWS THAT ARE PLAYING TRICKS ON MY EYES…
I WANT…I NEED…I SEARCH FOR THE MISSING IN AN ATTIC WHERE THERE IS SO MUCH ‘NOTHING’ AND EMPTINESS…I AM CONSTANTLY FORCED BACK INTO MYSELF AS NO RESOURCES ARE AVAILABLE…I GRASP FOR THE TRUTH OF MY OWN RESOLVE…
INTUITIONS AND INSTINCTS...RHYTHMS OF BEING IN MOTION...IN ENCOUNTERZ...IN OPPOSITIONAL ENERGIES OF EXPANSION...STRETCHING TO PRESENCE OF REALIZATION OUT OF THE MEDIATIONS OF ENDURANCE-COPINGS...TO MOVE OUT OF THE GHOSTS OF DISTORTIONS AS THE WANTING TO BE WANTED GIVES WAY TO BEING ABLE TO LOVE...TO BE IN TRUE URGENCY...
THE UNFAMILIAR TERRAIN WHERE ONE FEELS AND ACTS IN AUTHENTICITY WITHOUT IMITATIVENESS...BEING NATURAL AS RABBIT FERTILITY IN HUNGERS OF BOBCATS...THE ORALITY OF EROS FEMININE EATINGS...
‘I JUST WANT YOU TO LOVE ‘ME’… ‘ONLY ME’… HER VOICE SOFTENS SEEKING REASSURANCE…
MY MIND WANDERS AS I THINK ABOUT HOW I HAVE LEARNED TO REDIRECT MY ENERGIES… TO FOCUS MY INVOLVEMENTS TO ‘REALISM OF ENCOUNTER’ DETERMINING THE DEGREE THAT SOMEONE IS TRULY SEEKING TO ALTER THEIR ‘INERTIA’ MORE THAN MERELY EXPAND THEIR POWER BASE AND ‘ORBITAL’ CONTROLS… I SEEK TO HELP WHEN ‘MOTIVATION’ IS BEYOND THE IMMATURITY OF ‘WILFULNESS’ AND SELF HARMING ‘INDULGENCE’ EVEN IF THE OTHER IS STILL ENMESHED IN ‘SHAME’… I SEEK ONLY TO DO WHAT IS IN A ‘PATH OF THE HEART’ CONNECTION OF ‘SHARED WILL’… I HELP WHEREVER EMERGENCE IS OCCURRING…
‘I JUST WANT YOU TO LOVE ‘ME’… ‘ONLY ME’… HER VOICE ECHOES…
IT IS A BATTLE TIME WITH THE INFLUENCES OF ELECTRA, OEDIPUS, AND THE SPHINX… THE MATURATION STRUGGLE SURFACING FROM A MEMORY OF AN ENCOUNTER WITH INNER ‘EMPTINESS’…A DEEP ECHOIC TAUTNESS ALONG THE MEMORY EDGES OF THE FIRST STIRRINGS OF THE LIBIDO…AN EROS VULNERABILITY AND WOUNDEDNESS… MAYBE A BIRTH TRAUMA…MAYBE THE WITHDRAWAL OF THE MOTHER’S BREAST…MAYBE THE FEAR OF BEING SWALLOWED UP BY THE MOTHER…MAYBE THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH TIME BECAUSE OF AN AMBITION OF AN ‘AM-BITCH-IN’ MOTHER…MAYBE THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH SUSTENANCE TO GO AROUND…IT FEELS SIMILAR TO THE PYRAMIDISM VALUE OF ‘THE MORE THERE ARE OF YOU, THE LESS YOU ARE OF ANY VALUE’…IT IS THE SENSE OF ‘SCARCITY’ AND DEMAND…IT IS THE CORRELATION WITH THE ‘MARKET PLACE’ AS THERE IS ‘NOT ENOUGH’ TO GO AROUND AND ‘EACH’ FEELS ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’ AND LEARNS TO PERFORM TO ‘GET WHAT ONE NEEDS’…
ONE LEARNS TO FIGHT FOR NEEDS…ONE LEARNS TO KICK AND SCREAM…TO BITE…TO ACT OUT OR ACT IN TO GET WHAT ONE NEEDS…ONLY IN TIME DOES ONE REALIZE THAT THE ‘MANY’ DO NOT FEEL LOVED ENOUGH…IT IS THE QUEST OF WHAT IS ‘ONE’ ABLE TO DO TO BE WHAT IS ‘REQUIRED’ … WHAT IS ‘ONE’ NEEDED FOR BECOMES MORE THAN THE VALUE OF ONE WHO JUST ‘IS’…WHAT ARE YOU ‘WILLING TO DO’ TO BE ‘VALUED’…
A PERSONAL VICTORY BECOMES A SENSE OF KNOWING THAT THE ‘VIRTUE’ IS THE REWARD IN AND OF ITSELF YET PRACTICALITY DEMANDS THAT ONE BE ‘STREET SMART’ ENOUGH TO ‘MAKE THE MOST OF CIRCUMSTANCES’ WHILE ‘EVOLVING’ INTO A MORE SPIRITUALLY AUTHENTIC PRESENCE…
TRUE INDEPENDENCE IS HEALTHY PRESENCE…
THE SYSTEMIC ONLY RARELY RECOGNIZES THE POTENCY OF THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY HEALTHY PERSON BECAUSE IT RELIES UPON ‘FALSE ECHOES’ TO KEEP IT ALL GOING IN AN INERTIA OF THE ‘STATUS QUO’…THE ‘CONFUSION’ OF ‘WHAT MATTERS’ FUELS THE ‘RULE OF THE FEW’ AS ‘DISTRACTION’ AND ‘LACK’ ARE REINFORCED BY A CONSTANT BARRAGE OF ‘TEMPTATIONS’ OF ‘CONSTRUCTIVE DISCONTENTMENT’ THAT ONE MUST ‘BUY THIS TO BECOME THIS’…ONE MUST ‘KEEP PACE’ TO TRY TO HAVE A ‘CHANCE’ OF BEING ‘ONE OUT OF MANY’…
THE FAMILIARITY OF CODES OF ASSOCIATION AND ‘FAITH’ IN PATTERNS OF BELIEF KEEP THE INSTITUTIONALIZATION IN SUPPORT OF ‘JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING’ UNTIL ‘THEY DECIDE’ WHAT IS TO BE CHANGED…
OLIVER SACHS SAYS THAT ‘INDIVIDUALITY IS INHERENT IN ALL ILLNESS’… INDIVIDUAL ILLNESS MAY BE EXPOSURE TO THE CUTTING EDGE AS IF ONE WERE IN A GAME OF MUSICAL CHAIRS OR MERELY A VICTIM OF ‘WHEN IN ROME EAT LIKE THE ROMANS’ EATING TAINTED FOODS…
DAMAGE AND WOUNDS FROM THE PAST SHAPE PERCEPTIONS AND WAYS OF BEING IN THE PRESENT… A PRIMAL TRAUMA MAY SEND ONE INTO A ‘ZONED’ PATTERN OF CONSTANTLY ANTICIPATING THE RECURRENCE OF SOMETHING BEING TAKEN AWAY…THE MADNESS IN THE FORM OF AN ‘EXPECTANCY EXCESS’…DEFENDING ONE’S SELF BY STAYING IN A CONTRARIAN STATE OF PROTECTION TO MINIMIZE THE THREAT OF ANOTHER ‘LOSS’…
IT IS LIKE BEING IN ‘LIMBO’ AS ONE SURVIVES BY ‘SUFFERING’ THROUGH ‘THEIR RHYTHMS’… ONE LEARNS THEIR GAMES AND WITHDRAWS FROM THE SURFACE BUILDING AN INNER ‘UNREAL SYSTEM’ TO WARD OFF OR ‘MEDIATE’ THEIR DEMANDS…
THE ‘INNER UNREAL SYSTEM’ MAINTAINS THEIR EGOCENTRICITY’ AND NARCISSISM…IT JUSTIFIES THE ‘BURDENS’ OF SATISFYING OR VALIDATING ‘THEIR CHOICES’… THE PRESSURES OF ‘COMPLIANCE’ SUPPORTS THE ORDER OF HOW MUCH IS BEING ‘SACRIFICED’ TO ATTAIN THE ‘GOODS’ AND THE ‘WAY OF LIFE’…
ONE MAY BE A ‘COG’ IN THE MOMENTUM OF ‘BUILDING PYRAMIDS’ AND BELIEVE THERE IS ‘NOTHING THAT ONE CAN DO ABOUT IT’ IN ADHERING TO THE TENETS OF ‘THE EXCEPTIONS THAT MAKE THE RULE’…ONE MAY BELIEVE THAT ONE MAY BE THE ‘SELECTED’ OR THE ‘LUCKY’ IN FINDING AN OPPORTUNITY TO ‘WIN’ AND ‘BEAT THE SYSTEM’…
‘I WANT YOU TO WANT ME…TO NEED ME’…SHE WHISPERED VERY TENDERLY…
THERE IS REJECTION AND ABANDONMENT CRUELLY ENMESHED IN HER ‘INNER REALITY’ AS A DEEP REACTIVITY TO THE RAGE OF A FATHER DISAPPOINTED IN THE DAUGHTER THAT IS ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’…THERE IS A ‘CONSTANCY’ OF THIS INSULT AS SHE IS UNABLE TO MAINTAIN CLOSE AND INTIMATE RHYTHMS OF CONNECTION WITH THE MEN IN HER LIFE…IT IS THE PRESSURE TO ‘DISTANCE’ AND ‘THWART’ MALE DESIRE BECAUSE ‘FLIGHT’ IS THE WAY OF MANAGING HER FEAR…SHE PRECLUDES HER ACHIEVEMENT OF ‘GETTING WHAT SHE WANTS’ BECAUSE THE STRUGGLE IS AN ENCOUNTER WITH THE ‘SCARY PAST’ RATHER THAN A ‘SOULFUL’ ENGAGEMENT WITH THE REALISM OF THE PRESENT…
SHE SUSTAINS ILLUSIONS AND SELF DECEPTION AS MANAGEMENT AND MEDIATION OF HER DREAMS THAT ECHO DEEPLY...IT IS A STRATEGY OF POWER SEEKING IN EMULATION OR REPRESENTATION FANTASY...THE WOMAN-CHILD OF MASK...THE EROTIC NEUROTIC SEXUAL WOMAN OF HUNGER WOUNDEDNESS...THE WOMAN TRAPPED IN A BARBICAN SHAME CASTLE OF IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT...
SHE TESTS AND BAITS AND FINDS SOME FORM OF RELEASE UNTIL SHE GETS TOO CLOSE TO THE REAL…IT IS THE BASIS FOR ‘FLIGHT’ AS ‘BEING SEEN’ IS TOO VULNERABLE OF A STATE…THE ‘EXPOSED’ SENSE OF HER HEART AND THE HISTORICAL VIOLATIONS OF HER WISHES COMPELS HER TO ‘DISTANCE’…SOMEHOW TO BALANCE HER CONTRADICTIONS BY MEDIATING THE ‘CONSENT’ AND ‘ACCESS’ TO HER ‘SEXUALITY’…
SHE EXPERIENCES DISSOCIATION TO GET HER NEEDS MET WHILE ‘SPLITTING OFF’ FROM THE ‘IMBALANCED BONDS’ THAT ‘THEY’ ESTABLISHED…THE ‘UNREAL WAYS’ BECOME NORMAL AS ACTUAL NEEDS ARE NEVER MET…IT IS PLACATING IN BUYING OFF AS A TEMPTRESS...THE ONGOING DRAMAS OF DESIRES CONSUMING HER REALNESS...
THE WOUNDS ARE GREATER THAN HER WILL TO PRESENCE...THE FANTASY IDEA OF SELF CONSTRUCTED TO ESCAPE THE THREATS OF EXPOSURES...
IT IS THE MENTALITY OF THE ALCOHOLIC WAY AS A CONSTANT TRANSFERRENCE…A CONSTANT ‘PROJECTION’ OF A FEELING OF A LACK OF SELF WORTH INTO THE SON OR DAUGHTER…THE ALCOHOLIC WAY CONSTANTLY HAS TO DISPLAY THAT HE HAS POWER BECAUSE HE FEELS POWERLESS…THE UNDERLYING SENSE OF FEELING ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’ DRIVES THE CONSUMPTION TO ‘PROVE’ THAT ONE IS ACTUALLY ‘GOOD’…
THERE IS ONLY SURVIVAL AND SYSTEMIC ADHERENCE AND ‘BOOSTERISM’ AS SUCCESS IS IN THE IDENTIFICATION WITH ‘THEIR AUTHORITY’ INSTEAD OF AS A RESULT OF PERSONAL PRESENCE…LADDER CLIMBING AND DOING WHAT IS DEMANDED IS THE MEANS OF ‘GETTING’ STATUS… AN EXCHANGE FOR ‘THE DIRTY WORK’ OF ‘TAKING CARE’ OR MANAGING THE ‘AFFAIRS OF THE OWNERS’…
THERE IS NO ROOM FOR MASLOWS’ QUEST OF ‘SELF ACTUALISATION’ AS ONE PURSUES THE PATH OF HORSE TRADING AND SALESMANSHIP IN BEING WHATEVER THE ‘POWERS THAT BE’ EXPECT AND REWARD…THE ‘JOB’ GETS THE ‘MONEY’…IT IS THE ‘DEAL’ OF THE LEVERAGINGS AND TRADE-OFFS…ONE SERVES AT THE ‘WILL’ OF ‘BIG MONEY’ IN KEEPING IT ALL GOING…A ROLE OF HELPING TO MANAGE THE ‘ELECTRONIC HERD’ OF GLOBALIZATION…
THE GAMBLING MENTALITY PERMEATES THE RHYTHMS OF DIMINISHING ‘MUSICAL CHAIRS’ AS ONE ASSUMES THAT ONE WILL NOT BE ONE OF THE ‘EXPENDABLES’…ONE WILL BE A ‘SUCCESS’ OR AT LEAST A SURVIVOR…MOST DO THE TRADEOFFS OF THE REAL AND THE PERSONAL IN ORDER TO GET THE REWARDS FROM THE PYRAMID OWNERS…
AFTER AWHILE THE ‘WORDS OF THE AUTHORITY’ SEEM TO BECOME ‘THEIR OWN’ AND BEING REAL IS NOT EVEN IN THE GAME… BEING IN A STATUS ‘MARKET SHARE’ IS WHAT HAS VALUE…ESTABLISHING ‘REPRESENTATION’ INSTEAD OF PRESENCE… ‘WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET’…THE REALITY BEING MUCH DIFFERENT…IT IS ‘SOUND BITE’ AND ‘IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT’ AS THE ‘SPEED OF THE GREED’ DEMANDS LESS AND LESS DEPTH OF CONNECTION AND MORE AND MORE PSYCHE DISTANCING…
IT IS LEVERAGING, LEVERAGING, LEVERAGING UNTIL THERE IS ONLY DISPLAY AND ACCUMULATIONS TO ‘STATE’ WHO ONE IS…POWER AND BEING ABLE TO DEAL WITH ALL TYPES OF ‘SHADOWS’ MERELY MAINTAINS THE WAYS OF ‘THE POWERS THAT BE’…
THE SOLUTION OF THE REAL STRUGGLE IS ELEMENTAL…IT IS A JOURNEY INTO HUNGER AND THE WAYS WE ‘PACIFY’… IT IS THE JOURNEY INTO THE MASTER EMOTION…SHAME…A FEAR OF BEING EXPOSED OR DISCOVERED…THE POWER OF ‘SHAME’ OR THE ‘IDEALIZED’ IMAGE WALL THAT MASKS THE VULNERABILITY OF THE REAL…
IT IS KNOWING THE DEGREE TO WHICH ONE SERVES THE ‘FALSE ECHO’ OF THE PYRAMID SCHEME THAT RULES THE CULTURE…IT IS THE RECOGNITION OF ONE’S PLACE IN THE PECKING DISTRIBUTION OF EMPIRE ORDERING THAT THRIVES ON ‘SURROGATE’ SERVICE IN EXCHANGE FOR REAL ‘SELF RELIANCE’…IT IS THE INSTITUTIONAL SQUEEZE OF LIMITED CHOICE COMPELLING ONE TO GET ‘SOMETHING’ TO RESOLVE THE THREAT OF ‘NOTHING’…
IT IS THE ACCUMULATION OF ‘TENSION’ AS FEELINGS OF ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’ INCREASES IN THE SYMBOLIC OR PSYCHOLOGICAL SELF BECOMING THE ‘UNREAL SELF’ OF COMPLIANCE ADAPTING TO THE ‘FALSE ECHOES’ IN THE SENSES THAT MAINTAIN THE ‘ILLNESS’ OF THE ‘SPLIT-OFF’ OR THE ‘ACCEPTABLE’ SELF…THE ‘ACCEPTABLE SELF’ OF USEFULNESS TO THE ‘POWERS THAT BE’…
THUS THE ‘INNER MONSTER’ GROWS AS A ‘SHADOW’ OF THE REAL…MORE AND MORE IS ACCUMULATED AND STORED IN ORDER TO PRESENT THE IMAGE THAT WE DESIRE THE OTHERS TO SEE…OUR TOOLS AND WEAPONS ARE AS VARIED AS THE EXCESSES WE ‘ACT OUT’ AND ‘DIGEST’…WE BECOME OUR OWN ‘SPIDER WEB’ OF ‘TRAPPINGS’ AND DECEPTION…WE INDULGE IN ‘PACIFIERS’ AND WE ‘TRANCE OUT’ WITH THE SEDUCTIONS OF ‘TEMPORARY PAIN RELIEF’ IN DRUGS AND DREAMINGS…
ONE MUST LET GO OF ‘FANTASY’ AND PRETEND BY REACHING FOR THE REAL IN ‘ENCOUNTERS’ AS PRESENCE…IMAGINATION IS THE POWER OF THE MIND TO VISUALIZE THE POSSIBILITY OF DESIRE AND MAY SPARK ONE TO SEEK OUT THE HEALING PATH OF THE HEART IN A TRUE ‘WILL OF CONNECTION’…IT IS THE ‘FACING OF FEAR’ THAT AFFORDS ONE A WAY TO DEVELOP CONFIDENCE IN BECOMING…A WAY TO ‘SEE ONESELF IN A NEW WAY’…
DEEP WITHIN IT IS THE DRAMA OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST …A JOURNEY TO GO BEYOND THE ‘FATHER’ AND RELEASE HER FROM THE ‘BLOCKS’ HE HAS CAUSED HER TO BUILD…SHE HOLDS ON USING ‘BATES’ OF ‘MADNESS’ AS A ‘TEST OF WILL’ TO GET MORE AND MOVE PAST THE WEBBINGS OF HER MOTHER AND SIMULTANEOUSLY SEEK TO EMULATE AND REPLICATE HER…
IT IS THE MALE ENERGY THAT SHE SEARCHES FOR …THE POWER SHE DESIRES YET THE POWER THAT SHE MUST CONTROL…THE FANTASY DYNAMIC IS HER STANDARD AS SHE SEARCHES FOR RESOLVE IN ‘EXCEEDING’ IT IN ORDER TO JUSTIFY THE ‘SUFFERING’ AND HER LIFE OF PSYCHE’ BETRAYAL…
SHE EXCEEDS THE WEBBING OF THE MOTHER IN ‘HOLDING OR CONTAINERING THE FATHER’ PROVIDING A ‘HOME’ OF THE ‘RANGE’…AN AGREED UPON ‘STABILITY’ AND COMMON PURPOSE THAT ENSURES THAT ONLY ‘ACCEPTABLE’ VALUES WILL BE ALLOWED…SHE ACCEPTS THE ‘UNSPOKEN’ AND THE ‘UNSAID’ BECAUSE THE ‘INNER CONFLICT’ IS ALREADY TOO MUCH FOR HER TO BEAR…
HER ‘INNER DAM’ OF THE ‘INNER UNREAL’ STARTS TO BREAK AS THE PRESENCE OF HEART COMPELS A STRONGER DISTRIBUTION OF REAL FEELINGS…IT IS A TIME OF GREAT CONFLICT AS SHE BEGINS TO KNOW THAT HER REAL HEART’S DESIRE MAY BE MUCH DIFFERENT FROM THE PRIZE SHE PURSUED FOR ALL THOSE YEARS…
‘OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD’…HER FRUSTRATION ECHOED
I HEARD HER ANGER AND SELF-HATE AND REALIZED THAT IT WAS STARTING TO BURN AWAY…SHE WAS ENCOUNTERING THE INNER FIRES OF BECOMING HER OWN PERSON… SHE HAD TO LEARN A GREAT COMPASSION OF ACCEPTANCE IN GETTING BEYOND HER BETRAYAL WAYS OF HISTORICAL ‘SPLITTING’ OR ‘ANAESTHETIZING’…
‘NOW STOP THAT CRYING…YOU KNOW THERE IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF’…
A STRONG BREEZE ALMOST KNOCKED ME OFF BALANCE…I HEARD THE ADMONITION AND FELT THE BREEZE…
I FELT THAT I WAS ‘MANEUVERING’ THROUGH THE ‘DEADNESS’ THAT WAS ALL AROUND AND THAT MY ‘POTENTIAL RELEASE’ OF A ‘PRIMAL SCREAM’ WOULD OCCUR WHEN I FELT SAFE…
EVERYONE HAS TO FIGHT THE DRAMA OF BECOMING REAL…THE PRIMAL FEAR REMAINS WITHHELD BECAUSE THE PRIMAL PAIN REMAINS…IT IS THE ECHO THAT ‘THEY DON’T LOVE ME FOR WHO I REALLY AM’ …
WHAT MEANING DID I GATHER FROM HER STRUGGLE AND THE ECHOIC TIMBRE THAT I SENSED?
I REALIZED THAT THE REAL QUEST IS A LONG-TERM STRUGGLE THROUGH THE PAIN THAT SENT ME IN AND THE WAY OF THE CURRENT PAIN GUIDING MY PATH OUT…
I LEARNED THE IMPORTANCE OF ALTERING THE RHYTHMS OF MY ‘PSYCHE’ INERTIA…TO KNOW COMPASSION FOR MYSELF IN EXPLORING THE ‘SPLIT’ OF ‘NECESSITY’ THAT OCCURRED…TO WALK PATIENTLY IN A NEW UNDERSTANDING TO GET PAST THE ‘BETRAYAL’ SENSES AND STILL PROTECT MY CONTINUITY OF BEING…I REALIZE THAT MY ‘UNFULFILLED NEEDS’ SEEK SATISFACTION IN PSYCHOLOGICAL OR SYMBOLIC WAYS AND MAY BE MERELY ‘FALSE ECHOES’ OF AN INSTINCTIVE NEUROSIS MANEUVER …THE ‘SEPARATION’ OF MY SENSATIONS TO SHUT OFF EXCESSIVE PAIN…
I REALIZE THAT EVERYTHING MUST BE ‘REFELT’ IN NEW AND HEALTHY WAYS IF I WANT TO ‘ACTUALIZE’ MY REAL SELF…I ASK IF ‘THE WOUND REVEALS THE CURE’? I SEEK BETTER WAYS OF MEETING AND EXPRESSING AS I GO INTO THE TRAUMAS AND WOUNDS TO BREATHE DEEP AND ACHIEVE A RELEASE IN A DANCE OF HEART SEEKING A PRESENCE OF REAL NEEDS AND REAL CONNECTIONS…IT IS ‘PAIN’ GOING IN AND ‘PAIN’ GOING OUT…
I KNOW THAT THE SYMBOLIC SATISFACTION CANNOT FULFILL REAL NEEDS YET IT IS THE STANDARD OF A CULTURE THAT SAYS ‘THEY DON’T LIKE ME AS I AM’
I KNOW THAT I NEED THE PRESENCE OF ‘INTENT’ THAT THE ‘LOVED’ PARTNER IS COMING FORWARD TO MEET ME IN AN UNSUPPRESSED OR REPRESSED WAY OF BEING…SOUL AND HEART BEYOND THE ‘MUFFLED’…BEYOND ‘LIP SERVICE’ AND ‘AUTHORITY MOUTHINGS’ AND ‘TRICKLE-DOWN’ IDEAS FOR THE ‘ANAESTHETIZED’…
IT IS AN ENERGY ‘THING’…A RESONANCE RHYTHM OF ‘OVERCOMING’ THE ‘DENIALS’ AND SELF DECEPTIONS OF THE PAST…IT IS BREATHING AND BEING BEYOND THE SUPPRESSIONS AND REPRESSIONS OF THE PAST…
I KNOW THAT FEAR ACTIVATES THE WISH TO RETURN INTO THE SPACE OF THE MOTHER…A RECOIL INTO THE STRUGGLE WITH THE ‘DEVOURING GUT’ OF CONTROL…A QUEST FOR THE SANCTUARY OF ‘BEING’ WHERE ONE IS PROTECTED AND PROVIDED FOR…
THE FEAR BECOMES ORDINARY AND INGRAINED AS A HYPERVIGILANCE MADNESS OF ALWAYS ANTICIPATING A POTENTIAL THREAT…A SENSE THAT DANGER IS NEAR AND WILL DO ME HARM …IT IS ‘AKIN’ TO THE THREAT OF BEING ALWAYS SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE ACTS OF A TERRORIST…A CONSCIOUSNESS OF ‘IMMINENT VIOLATION’ AS HER BORDERS AND SPIRIT ARE IN DANGER OF BEING PENETRATED…
TRANSFORMATION IS THE PATH OF CHANGE AS ONE MEDIATES A MIX OF EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY AND RECEPTIVITY WITH A GENERATIVITY OF THE AGGRESSIONS NEEDED TO ESTABLISH ONESELF…IT IS WRESTLING WITH THE WOUNDS OF BEING ‘CRITICIZED’…BEING ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’… THE AFFECTS OF THEIR ‘CHOOSING THE OTHER ONE’…A ‘REJECTION’ AND A ‘COLLECTION’… I REMEMBER FREUDS QUOTE…
SHE HAS TO BREAK AWAY FROM THE ‘INNER UNREAL’ AND BE IN THE NEW ANGST OF MEETING REAL MALE ENERGIES AND REAL FEELINGS THAT ARE BEYOND HER ‘CONTROLS’ WARDING OFF THE ‘SCARY PAST’…
THERE IS SUBTLETY IN THE WAYS AS WHAT SEEMS SO NORMAL IS REALLY THE ‘MASKED’ OR ‘VEILED’…
AS NIETZSCHE SAID ‘EVERY PROFOUND SPIRIT NEEDS A MASK’…
IT IS KNOWING THE ‘FALSENESS’ IN DISCOVERING THE AWARENESS OF ‘VANITY AND VEILINGS’…IT IS THE WOUND DEEP WITHIN THE REPRODUCTIVE…THE VALUE OF ONE’S POTENCY OR PROGENY…AN IMBALANCE OR A BALANCE OF THE DISPLAY NECESSARY TO ESTABLISH ‘MANLINESS’ OR ‘WOMANLINESS’ THAT SPEAKS TO THE WORLD…
I COULD HEAR HER BREATHING IN A LABORED MANNER…IT WAS HER ‘DISTORTION STRESS’ OF WEARING ‘ARMOR’ WHILE STILL TRYING TO BE SENSITIVE AND OPEN… THE FEAR PLAYED OUT AS A DRAMA OF ‘SWALLOW’ OR BE SWALLOWED’…THE HUNGERS AND THE ‘EMPTINESS’ ECHOED AS THE EXPRESSION OF DELMORE SCHWARTZ…
DEEP WITHIN THERE IS A TERRIFYING ECHO OF AWARENESS REMEMBERING THAT AN ORDINARY EVENT…MAYBE AN EXTRA-ORDINARY EVENT IS REALLY THE CRYSTALLIZATION EVENT WHEN THE ‘UNREAL SELF’ OVERCAME THE REAL…
THEREIN IS THE MOMENT OF THE ANCIENT ECHO…A KEYING TIME OF DISCERNING THE ‘PATHOLOGY OF THE REAL… A RECONNECTION OF THE ‘FEELINGS’ WITH THE REAL…AN ACCESSING OF THE REAL WILL AS A PATH OF THE HEART INTO THE PRESENT…A MOMENT WHEN ALL THE PATTERNS OF ‘YESTERDAZE’ AND THE ‘SCARY PAST’ DISSOLVE INTO A REALISM OF PRESENCE KNOWING WHAT IS REAL AND WHAT IS THE BASIS OF A ‘SCARY PRESENT’…
THINGS TAKE TIME TO CRYSTALLIZE…THE CRISIS OF UNDOING THE ‘INNER UNREAL’ MIGHT TAKE A LOT OF TIME ALTHOUGH IT MAY OCCUR IN A RELEASE IN A PRIMAL RESTORATION OF THE REAL IN A ‘COLLISIONISM’ IN THE PRESENT…THE STRUCTURE MAY BE FROM A LONG TIME AGO AND BE ‘UNAVAILABLE FOR MEMORY’… ‘UNAVAILABLE FOR REAL FEELINGS’…UNTIL THE RIGHT ENCOUNTER COMPELS A BENEFICIAL NEW GROWTH…A ‘SHEDDING’ AND A ‘TRANSFORMATION’ OF ‘MOVING ON’…
SOMEWHERE SHE LEARNED THAT PEOPLE ONLY LOVED HER WHEN SHE WAS ILL OR INJURED…SHE KNEW HOW TO FIND LOVE THROUGH SUFFERING…SHE LEARNED TO SERVE IN ORDER TO MEET THEIR NEEDS AND AVOID THE CONFLICTS SHE KNEW SHE WAS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO WIN…
‘DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME…I WILL BE FINE’…
THE TRAUMAS AND LOSSES BECAME ‘TREASURED LOSS’ AS SHE LEARNED THE POWER OF THE WOUND…IT IS LIKE THE ‘DOUBLE BIND’ OF HOLDING SOMEONE BY USING THEIR FEELINGS OF COMPASSION AS A TOOL OF BONDING…
‘SHE NEEDS ME’… ‘I HAVE TO HELP HER’… ‘I HAVE TO GET HER THROUGH THIS DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL’…
IT IS A PLAY UPON SUSCEPTABILITY AND THE SPIRIT OF SERVICE…THERE ARE MANY PLACES OF ‘FROZEN PAIN’ THAT ARE ‘CODED INTO THE TISSUES OF MY BODY’…AREAS THAT BECOME ‘MIGHT ANXIETY’ AS MY SENSE OF POWERLESSNESS IN NOT BEING ABLE TO CHALLENGE THE REAL SOURCE OF THE DAMAGE COMPELS ME TO TRANSFER MY ACCUMULATIONS OF ‘TENSION’…THE TENSIONS OF AN ‘UNREAL SYSTEM’ BUILT UPON THE DREAMS AND DESIRES OF TRYING TO SATISFY ‘THEM’…THE DESIRES EXTERNALIZED IN TRYING TO BE WHAT ‘THEY WANT’…
I SOURCE THE UNREAL BY SIFTING THROUGH THE WEIGHTINESS OF MY DIET OF TOO MUCH ‘FLOUR’ AND NOT ENOUGH ‘FLOWER’… I REACH FOR A HEALTHIER FILTRATION OF PHYSIOLOGY BY SEARCHING FOR THE ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS OF ‘EROS COMPATABILITY’…I DEVELOP ‘CONFIDENCE’ IN MY MOTIONS AND FLOWS AS I REFINE MY INTENTIONS AND ACTIONS…
I SEEK CONFIDENCE IN BREATHING AND ENCOUNTER THROUGH A PURPOSEFUL RHYTHM OF ‘WIN-WIN’… A COMPLEX INTEGRATION OF MUTUAL RECIPROCITY AND DESIRE TO DEVELOP…A WAY OF SPARKING AN ENHANCED SENSE OF SELF IN EXCHANGES WITH A VALUED OPPOSITE…
I KNOW THE PSYCHE POTENCY OF LOVE IN CALLING INTO BEING THE ‘ADRENALINES AND HORMONES’ OF THE REAL… I KNOW THAT LOVING IS MORE THAN THE RELEASE OF PAIN AND MORE THAN A MERE VEHICLE OF ESCAPISM? I SEEK AUTHENTICITY OF EXCHANGE…A ‘PURITY’ OF THE REAL…A ‘FEELING’ OF A ‘WILL TO CONNECT’ IN AN INTERSECTION OF HEART…AN ORBIT OF SHARED TIME WHERE ‘ENHANCED SELF ESTEEM’ DRIVES THROUGH ALL ‘EMOTIONS’ IN A PRESENCE OF ‘KNOWING’ THE COMPLEXITIES OF THE SENSES AND THE RELEASES OF INNER OBSTACLES AND INHIBITIONS…
IT IS A TIME OF ‘SIMPLIFICATION’ AND ‘STREAMLINING’ EVEN AS THE ‘ANGERS’ AND ‘EXCESS BAGGAGE’ OF THE OTHER IS SURFACING…IT IS A TIME OF ‘DANGEROUS PASSAGE’ AS SHE MAY BE LOOKING FOR AN ‘OPPORTUNITY’ TO TARGET AND VENT…
I KNOW THAT I AM NOT THE REASON FOR THOSE YEARS OF LOSS OR THE BASIS OF THEIR ‘NON ACCOMPLISHMENT’…I KNOW THAT THERE IS A REAL NEED TO FIND THE ‘FLAW’ THAT WILL ALLOW HER TO ERUPT IN AN AFFIRMATION BEYOND THE ‘IMPOSED CONTAINMENT’ OF HER ‘INNER UNREAL’ SYSTEM…
THINGS ARE IN ‘DISCHARGE’ AND ‘NEW CHARGE’ WHEN A TRANSITION OF IDENTITY IS OCCURRING…I KNOW THAT I MUST BE CONSCIOUS AND NOT ABSORB ANY VENGEANCE OR PROJECTION…THE DISAPPOINTMENTS AND SUFFERINGS THAT GO BACK TO ‘HUMILIATIONS AND TRAUMAS’ OF THE PAST…
IT IS ALWAYS A HAZARDOUS JOURNEY AS ‘SURFACINGS’ OCCUR AS A RESULT OF STRATEGIES OF DESIRE AS WELL AS QUESTS OF ‘INSATIABLE CURIOSITY’…IT IS A DEEP REALITY OF A PROBING CURIOSITY THAT WANTS TO KNOW AND FEEL YET GUARDS AGAINST THE ANGERS AND ERUPTIONS OF ‘DREAMS,DELUSIONS AND THE ‘SPLITTING OFF’ WAYS’ OF DEFENSIVENESS…
SHE SURVIVES IN A CASTLE OF ARMORING…A SANCTUARY OF ‘CONTINUITY’…A ‘SHAME FORTRESS’ OF ACCUMULATING ‘POWER’ TO OVERCOME THE SENSES OF ‘LACK’ AND ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’…A WAY WHERE ‘POWER DESTROYS LOVE’ IN ORDER TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO SOMEHOW OVERCOME FEELINGS OF BEING ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’…
IT IS A CRISIS OF THE SOUL IN CONFRONTING THE FALSENESS OF THE REAL SELF ‘DOING WHATEVER ONE HAS TO DO’ WHILE PERFORMING IN A DECEPTION OF LETTING THE OTHER ‘SEE WHAT THEY WANT TO SEE’…IT IS A TIME OF ‘RISING ANGER’ AS THE REAL BEGINS TO OVERCOME THE FALSE…
THE EXCAVATION OF THE REAL SELF IS DERIVED IN THE SOURCING OF REAL DESIRE… IT IS A REACHING FOR BEAUTY AS I SEEK TO OVERCOME THE RAGING HUNGERS OF THE BEAST OF THE ‘UNREAL’…THE MONSTER THAT OCCUPIES THE EMOTIONS AND BODY FIBERS IN THE ‘INNER UNREAL’…THE INNER SHADOW SPACE THAT LIMITS AND BLINDS…
‘ARE YOU FUCKING HER’? I HEARD HER AGAIN…
THE ANGER AND RAGE OF WOUNDEDNESS AND BETRAYAL IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A TARGET FOR RELEASE… WHAT IS ‘SHUT DOWN’ BECOMES THE CURRENCY OF CONNECTION … THE SOURCE OF THE ‘CHANNELLING’ OF ‘PERFORMANCE’… SINCE ‘ONE IS NOT LOVED FOR WHO ONE IS’ AND ONE DOES WHATEVER IS NECESSARY…
‘PLEASE DON’T HURT ME’…SHE WHISPERED AND THEN SPOKE AGGRESSIVELY…
‘IF YOU EVER DO THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN’…
WHAT SOMEONE HAD TAKEN AWAY SHE WANTED TO TAKE AWAY…IT BECAME THE FORCE OF POWER BEING GREATER THAN LOVE…SHE SOUGHT TO MAINTAIN HER ‘WALL’ OF PATTERNS AND HABITS…THE ‘HOUSE OF BRICKS’…THE ‘SHAME FORTRESSING’ OF DEFENSE THAT ENABLED HER TO ‘CONTROL’ AND ‘LIMIT’ ANY FEELINGS THAT WOULD TAKE HER INTO AN UNKNOWN REALM OF ‘SURPRISE’ AND ‘SPONTANEITY’…
I REMEMBERED A CONVERSATION… ‘YOU CANNOT REPAIR CONTROL’ AS IT BLENDED WITH A DESIRE TO ‘LET GO’ AND ‘SHED’ AS SHE STEPPED INTO HER FUTURE…
‘FEELING MORE’… ‘SENSING MORE’… ‘TRUING’ ONE’S BEING IN AN EVOLUTION OF SELF EXPANSION AND PRUNING…IT IS THE OPPORTUNITY OF THE CRISIS IN THE SPARKS OF ‘COLLISIONISM’ TO GO INTO THE ‘UNPREDICTABLE’ AND THE POSSIBLE ‘SPONTANEITY OF ‘FEELING MORE’…A TIME OF ‘WHETHERING’ A STORM AS AN ‘OPPORTUNITY’ OF BEING PRESENT IN ONE’S HEART AND GOING FORWARD EVEN IF THERE ARE MOMENTS OF BEING MORE LONELY OR ‘FEELING MORE’ EMPTINESS…IT IS THE REALIZATION OF A CAPACITY OF PRESENCE…THE INTENT TO EXPERIENCE AND NOT ANAESTHETIZE…
THERE IS A ‘NEW REALITY’ AS ONE CANNOT GO HOME AGAIN…ONE MUST REACH FOR A DIGNITY OF SELF AND KNOW THAT THE AGONY EXPERIENCED IS THE REAL FEELING OF GROWTH…THE PAIN IS IN THE TENSIONS THAT ARISE WHEN THE SUFFERING IS CONSCIOUS AND RELIEF IS SOUGHT…
IT IS ACTION AND CONNECTION OF HEART THAT FACILITATES A WAY OUT OF THE SOCIAL RITUALS, WEBBINGS, TRAPS AND OBLIGATIONS THAT ‘BOG US DOWN’ IN THE FIRST PLACE… ANGER AND FRUSTRATION MAY BE DIRECTED INTO THE CREATIVE FIRE OF REBIRTHING THAT IS BEYOND THE FANTASY AND ROMANCE OF SELF DECEPTION AND THE ACCEPTANCE OF ‘ILLUSION’…
ARTUR JANOV IN THE PRIMAL SCREAM STATES THAT ‘TENSIONS OPERATE IN THE MIND AS INCOHERENCE, CONFUSIONS, LACK OF MEMORY AND IN THE BODY AS TIGHT MUSCULATURE AND DISTORTIONS OF THE VISCERAL PROCESS’…
THUNDER RESONATED ALL AROUND…
‘HEY…I AM TALKING TO YOU… I AM WHAT YOU REALLY NEED…COME ON… WE CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT’…SHE SPOKE VERY SEDUCTIVELY…
THE ECHO PLAYED OUT…THE ‘HUNGERS’ WERE ALL AROUND AND THE ‘DECEPTIONS’ AND ‘ILLUSIONS’ WERE THE ‘GAME’ RATHER THAN A ‘SINCERE REALISM’ OF ‘MUTUAL RECIPROCITY’…THE MUTUALITY OF LOVE BALANCED IN HEALTHY INTENTION AND GOOD WILL..
I FELT HER SHIFTS AND STRATEGIES TO GET WHAT I COULD GIVE…HER RESONANCE SUGGESTED ‘SOLUTION’ YET I KNEW THAT I WAS ‘FEELING MORE’ AND NEEDED MORE IN ORDER TO ‘MEET’ ON A NEW PLANE OF ‘FULLNESS’ OF SELF…I NEEDED A DEEPER AND BROADER CAPACITY OF CREATIVE AND REPRODUCTIVE EXPANSION…
I NEEDED MORE ENERGY TO FUEL MY EROS OR ‘LIFE FORCE’ CONVULSIVENESS AS I CONTINUED TO ‘BUILD CONFIDENCE’ IN ‘DOING’ AND ‘SAYING’ AS I AM…ACHIEVING A NEW PERSONAL GRAVITY OF PSYCHE’ ‘HOMEOSTASIS’… THE INERTIA OF AN INTERNAL DEMAND TO BALANCE AND BE IN A ‘CERTAIN STATE’…
A BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRIKES NEARBY…THERE IS A GREAT ELECTRICAL CRASHING SOUND… SHAKING ME IN MY CORE…
ONCE AGAIN I SENSE MY REAL CIRCUMSTANCES…I BECOME AWARE THAT I AM IN THE ATTIC AND THAT I SHOULD FEEL SAFE YET THE FEAR THAT IS WITHIN SURGES THROUGH MY BEING …IT IS ‘IRRATIONAL’ AND ‘UNGROUNDED’ AS ‘SHADOWY IMAGES’ OF THREATENING SHAPES MOVE ACROSS THE WALLS…
IT IS A FIGHT WITHIN AS I FEEL ‘THERE YET NOT THERE’ … THE CONFLICT OF THE WISH AND THE RESISTANCE TO THE WISH…IT IS IN A CONSTANCY OF ‘BECOMING’ AS I HEAR THE ECHOES OF MY WISHES AND WOUNDS IN ‘FILTERED WINDS’…SOUNDS OF SIRENS OF FALSENESS AND LOSSES…
‘WAIT, DON’T GO. STOP.COME BACK’…SHE SCREAMS IN THE DARKNESS…
EVERTHING IS KINETIC AS I KEEP SHIFTING AND REBALANCING… I KNEW THAT I HAD TO ADJUST MY FOCUS… I HAD TO BECOME MORE DISCIPLINED…I KNEW THAT I HAD TO GET BEYOND THE WOUNDS OF LONELINESS THAT DEFINED MY LIFE…A ‘LONELINESS RESONANCE’ OF ‘MISSED OPPORTUNITY’ SEEING THE GEARS OF THE GIANT DEATH CLOCK TICKING RELENTLESSLY…LIKE A SWORD OF DAMOCLES THREATENING MY ‘POTENTIAL OF BECOMING’ AS MEMORY STREAMS OF MY ‘INNER NECESSITY’ COLLIDE WITH MY ‘WISHES’…
I MOVE WITH ‘PURPOSEFUL DETERMINATION’ IN WORKING THROUGH THE ‘PSYCHE’ OBSTACLES OF ‘ECHO’ PIERCINGS AND ‘NARCISSUS’ REFLECTIONS…I LEARN TO ACCEPT THE ‘EMPTINESS’ AND THE ‘LONELINESS’…
I KNOW THE ORIGINAL DANGERS NO LONGER EXIST…GRADUALLY I FIND MYSELF OVERCOMING THE REACTIVITY ENMESHED IN MY MUSCLES AND FIBERS…THE ‘HYPERVIGILANCE’ THAT PERMEATES MY BEING…THE CONSEQUENCES OF DEEP ROOTED FEAR THAT ‘POISONS’ MAKING ME TRY TO BE ‘IMITATIVE’ IN ‘ATTITUDES’ AND VALUES IN ORDER TO FEEL SAFE…
IN TIME I KNOW THAT BEING A ‘FOLLOWER’ ONLY GETS YOU SO FAR…EVEN IF ONE FOLLOWS IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF THE SUCCESSFUL THERE IS A GREAT PRICE…A GREAT COST…
ONE MUST FOCUS WITH A ‘CLARITY’ OF PRESENCE TO OVERCOME THE ‘FALSE ECHOES’ OF THE ‘ORDINARY’…THE ECHOES THAT BLIND ONE TO THE RESONANCE OF BEING REAL…THE RESONANCE OF ‘LEVERAGING’ IN WHICH ONE GETS AROUND IN THE WORLD …THE RESONANCE OF THE ‘INNER UNREAL’ THAT IS DERIVED FROM THE ‘MARSHALLED ENERGIES OF A ‘NEUROSIS’ WAY OF ‘ESTABLISHING’ ONESELF…
IT IS A SURPRISE, THEREFORE, WHEN THE ‘UNREAL SELF’ HAVING ABSORBED THE VALUES OF THE ‘FALSE’ [SOCIETY, PARENTS, AUTHORITY, ETC.] SOMEHOW GIVES WAY TO THE UPHEAVAL OF THE NEED FOR THE REAL…IT IS THE MOMENT OF A BIRTHING OF THE REAL…A TIME OF REAL POWER…
IT IS THE BIRTH OF THE ‘REBEL’ SEEKING THE TRUTH OF THE HEART IN GOING FORWARD PAST THE ‘HARD WIRING’ OF ‘IMPOSITIONS’ AND ‘AMPLIFIED USEFULNESS’…IT IS THE STRENGTH OF THE REBEL IN OVERCOMING A SHAME BASED ‘VANITY INERTIA’…IT IS THE WILL OF THE REBEL ASSERTING ONE’S TRUTH OF BEING IN OVERCOMING THE ‘DISTORTION STRESS’ THAT PROPS UP THE ‘ARTIFICIAL’ OR AN ‘IDEALIZED SENSE OF SELF’…THE ‘INNER UNREAL’ THAT MAKES ‘DEALS’ TO GET THROUGH THE DAY…EVERYDAY…
‘IT’S NOT YOUR NIGHT KID…TAKE A FALL’…BECOMES THE LOSS OF POTENCY OF THE REAL AS MARLON BRANDO IN ‘ON THE WATERFRONT’ KNOWS ‘I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER’… I COULDA BEEN SOMEBODY’…IT IS THE ONGOING ‘COOPTATION’ OF ‘TALKING HEADS’ AND ‘APOLOGISTS’ FOR THE INERTIA OF ‘BUILDING PYRAMIDS’…
IT IS THE FORCE OF EROS…THE ‘WILL TO LIFE’ THAT CHALLENGES ONE TO ‘BREAK AWAY’ AND ‘BREAKOUT’ OF THE HABITS OF ‘GOING ALONG TO GET ALONG’…IT IS A ‘LETTING GO’ IN THE ‘FIBROUS DARKNESS’ REACHING FOR ‘INTIMACY’ IN THE UNKNOWN…IN THE ‘GULPS OF VULNERABILITY’…IN THE GRASPING AND STRETCHING FOR A NEW SENSE OF THE SELF…A NEW ASSERTION OF HEART…
‘I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT’…
A ‘DADDY TERROR TIME’ RESONATES…I KNOW I HAVE TO GO FORWARD AND NOT RECOIL…THERE IS NO HIDING PLACE FOR THE REAL SELF…I WRESTLE WITH MY STORAGE SPACES OF VALUED AND ‘TREASURED LOSS’…I KNOW THAT THESE ‘TREASURED LOSSES’ ARE PART OF ME YET I KNOW THEIR INFLUENCE MUST BE MINIMIZED SO THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO BE PRESENT AND NOT LIMITED BY THE INHIBITORY AFFECTS OF THEIR REACTIVATION OR ‘RECURRENCE’…
MY NECESSITY OF CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGES… I CONSTRUCT A ‘RECONSTITUTION’ OF THE EXPERIENCE…A ‘REARRANGEMENT’ IN ACCORDANCE WITH ‘FRESH CIRCUMSTANCES’…I LET GO OF THE ‘IMMORTALITY’ OF THE ‘WISHES AND WOUNDS OF CHILHOOD’…I CREATIVELY ALCHEMIZE THE BIO-CHEMISTRIES INTO A HEALTHY MIX OF NEW FUELS FOR THE JOURNEY AHEAD…A RELEASE TOWARDS HEALTHY WISHES…
ANOTHER BOLT OF LIGHTNING PARTIALLY ILLUMINATES THE WALLS…I SEE SHADOWS IN THE DOORWAY OF THE ATTIC…GHOSTLY FIGURES IN THE ‘THRESHOLD’ SPACE…
CONTRADICTORY FEELINGS SURFACE… ANXIETY AND DEEP INNER TENSIONS TIGHTEN IN MY STOMACH…I REMEMBER THE ‘DOUBLE BIND’ OF MISTRUST…I REMEMBER BEING ‘TRICKED’… ‘DECEIVED’… ‘FOOLED’ TOO MANY TIMES…
‘I’M NOT GOING TO HURT YOU’…
FEAR AND THE NEED FOR CONTACT PERMEATES MY BEING…I WANT TO BE TREATED WITH KINDNESS…I WANT TO BELIEVE…YET I HEAR MIXED MESSAGES…I ALWAYS HEAR MIXED MEANINGS…THERE IS ALWAYS A ‘HIDDEN AGENDA’ AND THE EXPECTATION THAT THE ‘OTHER SHOE’ IS ABOUT TO DROP…
I EXPECT TO BE ‘BLINDSIDED’ AND ‘HIT’ WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT…THERE IS NO SAFETY…I JUST ANTICIPATE SOME FORM OF CRITICISM OR PUNISHMENT’…MAYBE I EVEN CAUSE THE CIRCUMSTANCE LEADING TO THE ATTACK…THERE IS AN ANGER IN ALL OF THIS AS I KNOW THAT MY BEHAVIORS SEEK TO PRECLUDE ‘CRITICISM’ EVEN AS I ASSERT AND ‘REBEL’ DETERMINED TO FUNCTION BEYOND THE ROUTINES OF WHAT IS ‘SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE’…
I SENSE THAT THERE IS MORE GOING ON THAN ‘MEETS THE EYE’… THAT ‘NOTHING IS AS IT APPEARS TO BE’…THERE ARE NUMEROUS DISTRACTIONS AND MISDIRECTIONS AS THE ‘FALSE ECHOES’ AND ‘FALSE IMAGES’ COMPEL RESPONSES…I ALWAYS ASSUME THAT ‘THE OTHER’ MAY BE IN A ‘MEDIUM’ MODE…IT TAKES A ‘GETTING USED TO’ IN ORDER TO ‘TRUST’ THAT ‘THE OTHER’ IS REALLY PRESENT WITH ME…
THE LIGHT IN THE ATTIC CHANGES…THE SHADOWS SEEM TO EVAPORATE AS DARKNESS BECOMES ALL THAT I AM ABLE TO SEE…THE ROOM DISAPPEARS AND THEN REAPPEARS AS NEW FLASHES OF LIGHTNING ILLUMINATE THE SPACE…
EVERYTHING BECOMES A STRUGGLE OF PRAGMATISM… EVERYTHING BECOMES ‘WHAT CAN I LIVE WITH…WHAT CAN I GET AWAY WITH’…A PRACTICAL SURVIVAL MODE OF REACHING FOR ‘INSTINCTS’ AND ‘INTUITION’ AS I TRY TO DEVELOP THE BEST ‘FILTERS’…I EXPERIENCE A LOT OF FRUSTRATION…MY FEARS SEEM REAL AS I SENSE THE POTENTIAL THREAT OF ANNIHILATION FROM AN AMPLIFICATION OF MY ACTIONS…
IT IS ALWAYS THE TIME OF CRISIS, RISK AND OPPORTUNITY AS I CALL UP MY COURAGE AND FORTITUDE TO GO FORWARD…I JOKINGLY RECALL THE SIGN IN THE WIZARD OF OZ FOREST… ‘I’D TURN BACK IF I WERE YOU’…
I HEAR MYSELF WHISPERING OUT LOUD…‘I NEED A REAL FEELING OF HEART’… ‘I NEED A FEELING OF COMPLETION AND ‘WHOLISM’?…IT ALL SEEMS TO BE A ‘CLARITY’ OF VISION AND INTENT…EASY YET A CHALLENGE TO GO FORWARD INTO A REAL UNKNOWN…
‘SO, THERE YOU HAVE IT’…THE ANSWERS ARE THE BELIEF AND THE ‘WAY’ OF SOME FORM OF CERTAINTY… ‘SO THERE YOU HAVE IT’ LIKE THE PRONOUNCEMENT OF THE KING IN ‘AMADEUS’ WHO CERTIFIES THE ‘COMPLETION’ IN A ‘PAT PHRASE’…THERE IS ‘NOTHING ELSE’ TO SAY…
‘SO, THERE YOU HAVE IT’ NEVER RINGS TRUE AS A SENSE OF ‘COLLISIONISM’ ALWAYS COMPELS A NEW WAY…A ‘GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP’ OR ‘WE WILL TALK ABOUT IT IN THE MORNING’… ‘IT’, JUST LIKE ‘THINGS’, HAS TO RUN ITS’ COURSE…
ANOTHER FLASH LIGHTS UP THE EMPTINESS…SHADOWS SEEM TO MOVE ACROSS THE WALLS LIKE GHOSTS OF ‘OLD FRIENDS’…EACH FLEETING IMAGE SEEMS RECOGNIZABLE YET CHANGES AS SOON AS I TRY TO IDENTIFY IT AND DEFINE IT…EACH TIME I TRY TO FOCUS IT SEEMS TO ALTER…I AM TRYING TO DEFINE MY FEARS AS THE GHOSTLINESS MOVES ACROSS THE WALLS…
THE SHADOWS ARE LIKE THE FLUIDITY OF MERCURY CONSTANTLY ‘ALCHEMIZING’…A LIQUIDITY FLOWING INTO IMAGERY AS I MOVE THROUGH ENCOUNTERS OF MEMORY … ‘AH, THAT MUST MEAN’… ‘AH, THAT MUST BE’… ‘AH, THIS IS A SYMBOL OF’…
IT IS LIKE PAINTING IN ‘ABSTRACTIONS’ AS THE ENCOUNTERS AND RANDOMNESS OF BRUSHSTROKES AND TEXTURES GENERATE ASSOCIATIONS OF ‘MEANING’ IN THE PERCEPTION AND PROJECTION OF ‘WHAT MATTERS’…THE SHADOWS COME AND GO AND LOSE THEIR VALUE AS NEW CONNECTIONS SUGGEST NEW ‘EXPLANATIONS’…IT IS THE ANGUISH AND THE ANXIETY OF ‘INSIGHT’ WISHING FOR A DEFINITION WHILE ABSORBING THE CHAOS OF THE RELEASE OF THE ‘IRRATIONAL’…
EACH ATTEMPT TO MAKE IT RATIONAL IS OVERWHELMED BY THE SHIFTS IN THE LIGHT AND THE SHADOWS…I TRY TO FIND STRENGTH IN THE PROCESS ALTHOUGH I AM NOT SURE OF ANY RESULT OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I AM TRYING TO ‘WHETHER’ ANOTHER ‘STORM’…
THUNDER SHAKES THE BUILDING…THERE IS TOTAL DARKNESS…I FEEL ‘FEAR’ IN MY NERVES AND BREATHING…I FEEL TIGHTNESS AND RIGIDITY IN MY CHAKRAS AND FIBERS…I KNOW I HAVE TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD BY GETTING OUT OF THE ROLES AND ROUTINES OF THE SOCIAL AND THE ACCEPTABLE…I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE THINGS WORSE BY ANAESTHETIZING AND ESCAPING…I JUST WANT TO MEET ON A NEW PLANE OF HEALTHY ENCOUNTER AND URGENCY…
A GREAT CHILL MOVES THROUGH MY HEART…I FEEL ALL ALONE…DEEP DOWN I AM SEEKING TO RELEASE THE HEART CRINGES OF MY EMOTIONAL IMBALANCES…THERE IS A FEELING OF BEING VIOLATED AND I AM ‘RACING’ IN COMPENSATORY WAYS…THERE ARE PERCOLATIONS OF EXCESSIVE HUNGERS AND THE CONFUSIONS OF DESIRE THAT PRESSURE FOR ‘IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION’ …I WANT ‘PACIFIERS’ TO RESOLVE THE CONTRADICTIONS OF LOVE AND MY NEEDS FOR NEW GROWTH OPPORTUNITIES…
I KNOW THAT SOME OF MY WAYS ARE LIKE THE IMMATURE IMPULSES OF ‘ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT’ THAT SEARCH FOR SUBSTANCE IN THE ESCAPES OF DRINKS AND DRUGS… THE PERSONAL ERRORS OR MISTAKES OF TRANSFERRING ONE FORM OF ILLNESS CONSUMPTION FOR ANOTHER…
I HEAR MYSELF MUTTERING…‘TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT’…THE PACIFIER WEAPONS OF EMPIRE BOTH LEGAL AND ILLEGAL ONLY TEMPORARILY REMOVE THE HARSHNESS OF THE INJUSTICE AND SPEED OF THE REAL WORLD…
I REMEMBER AN OLD IRISH PROVERB… ‘IS AR SCA’TH A CHE’ILE A MHAIREANN NA DAOINE’…PEOPLE LIVE IN ONE ANOTHER’S SHADOW…AND ‘GAN SCATH’…ONE WHO IS WITHOUT SHADOW…ONE WHO IS FEARLESS…
THERE ARE CONSTANT ‘ADAPTATION PRESSURES’… IT IS THE TYRANNY OF ‘DEFERENCE’… TO ‘GO ALONG TO GET ALONG’…THERE IS BETRAYAL OF ‘REAL NEEDS’ IN THE NECESSITY OF DOING WHATEVER ONE HAS TO DO TO GET ‘THROUGH IT’…I SEE BY LIVING IN ‘HIS PLACE’ OR ‘HER PLACE’…I WALK IN THE SHOES OF THE OTHERS…I AM SQUEEZED IN A COMPRESSION OF DEMANDS AND EXPECTATIONS… SOMEWHERE WITHIN THERE IS A TRUTH OF IDENTITY SEEKING TO REACH THE SURFACE…A FORCE OF ‘WILL’ SEARCHING FOR ITS’ OWN BREATHING SPACE…THE REAL OVERCOMING THE INNER ‘UNREAL’…
THE STRUGGLE…EXCESS BAGGAGE…GETTING RID OF THE HABITS AND WAYS OF FORTRESSING…REVISITING WHAT GETS ‘WALLED IN AND WALLED OUT’…FACING THE SHORTNESS OF BREATH THAT MAINTAINS THE DREAM OR THE IMAGE OF THE SELF…IT IS SELF ACCEPTANCE LETTING THE SHADOWS ‘ACTIVATE’ IN DEMANDING NEW BALANCES…IT IS THE COMMITMENT TO OVERCOME THE LIMITS OF OXYGEN DISTRIBUTION HABITS AND EMOTIONAL PATTERNS OF CONTROL…
IT IS DESIRE AS DISTANCE FROM ORIGINS...OUT OF KINWEBS AND MEDIATIONS OF SHAME, FORTRESSINGS AND WANTINGS OF POWER GREATER THAN LOVE BEHAVIORS OF IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT...
THERE ARE MOSTLY ‘FALSE ECHOES’. I CONCENTRATE MORE AND TRY TO LISTEN WITH A GREATER SENSITIVITY AND I BECOME INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED AS THE SOUNDS OF THE MUFFLED AND SUPPRESSED SEEM TO BE THE NORM RATHER THAN THE TRUTH OF PRESENCE. THERE ARE ‘FALSE ECHOES’ IN THE IMAGES AND SOUNDS OF THE ECONOMIC AND THE COMPLIANCES OF THE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND SOCIAL…THE COSMETIC AND THE LATEST FASHIONS OF HEMS AND HERDS…THE ‘GLIB’ AND THE ‘MASKINGS’ OF BUZZ WORDS THAT ESTABLISH ‘COMMONALITY’ WITHOUT REALLY DEMANDING ANY BASIS FOR A REAL CONNECTION AND EXPRESSION…
THE SYSTEM TENDS TOWARD THE QUEST FOR ‘LOVE’S POWER’ RATHER THAN THE ESSENCES OF LOVE…THE SYSTEM FACILITATES CONTROL AND THWARTING OF REAL CONNECTION AS IT REWARDS ‘GETTING OFF’ INSTEAD OF INTIMACY…THE SYSTEM REWARDS MANEUVERS AND MANIPULATIONS RATHER THAN GROOMINGS AND SUSTENANCE…THE PASSIONATE SEARCH FOR TOTALITY AND INTENSITY MORE THAN THE WILL OF CONNECTION AND PRESENCE…
TRUTH OF ENCOUNTER DEMANDS A WILLINGNESS TO KNOW THE LONELINESS OF THE REAL…THE ACCEPTANCE AND AFFIRMATION OF THE SELF IN SOLITUDE THAT IS BEYOND ‘CONTROL’ OR ‘FORTRESSING’…THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE REAL SELF IS IN THE GRASP OF ACCEPTING THE ‘MORE IRRATIONAL’ DEEP WITHIN… A GREATER PRESENCE OF SELF…A STRETCHED CAPACITY OF AVAILABLE ENERGIES… BEING IN ‘MORE INNER CHAOS’ LIKE NIETZSCHE’S IDEA OF HAVING ‘CHAOS WITHIN IN ORDER TO GIVE BIRTH TO A DANCING STAR’…
THERE IS ‘WHETHER’…A ‘WEATHER’ WITHIN MY BEING… CLIMATE CHANGES OF HEAT AND MOISTURE…COLD FEARS AND CHILLING NIGHTMARES… DEALING WITH THE OPERAS AND DRAMAS OF FANTASY…WAYS OF SEEING ONESELF IN GRANDIOSE OR NARCISSISTIC WAYS… IDEALIZATION AND DREAMING WAYS WITHOUT THE DISCIPLINE OF SEEKING TRUTH OF PRESENCE AND A ‘WILL TO CONNECT’…COPING IN THE COUNTLESS WAYS OF ADAPTATION AND PACIFIER CONSUMPTION…
IT IS THE TRUTH OF ‘WILL’ THAT ONE KNOWS CHOICE THAT IS BEYOND THE ‘IMMATURITY’ OF DEFIANT WILLFULNESS AND ‘ACTING OUT’ SELF DESTRUCTIVENESS…IT IS THE ESSENCES OF ‘PEOPLE ONLY LEARN WHAT THEY DISCOVER FOR THEMSELVES’…
FOR ME IT IS LIKE AN EXPERIENCE OF A DREAM WHERE I AM CARRYING THE FOOTBALL AND MANEUVERING IN ORDER TO AVOID BEING TAKEN DOWN AS I RUN TOWARD THE LIGHT…MY ‘BROKEN FIELD’ RUNNING IS A CHALLENGE DEMANDING NEW BREATHING AND A QUICKNESS OF COMPLEX BALANCES… I TRY TO KEEP THE GOAL POSTS IN SIGHT AS I ELUDE THE THREAT OF ‘DEPENDENCY’ AND ‘EMOTIONAL ANAESTHESIA’ WHICH TRIES TO TAKE ME DOWN… I KEEP HUSTLING TO KEEP FROM BEING TACKLED BY THESE ‘SHADOWS’…
I THINK ABOUT BEING SCARED OF MY OWN SHADOW AND I LAUGH…I REALIZE THAT FACING ONE’S OWN ‘IMPRINTS’ AND ‘DENIALS’ IS THE TRUTH OF THE ‘GAME’ WHERE ‘WINNING’ IS ‘OWNING’ YOUR OWN SOUL…
I FEEL TOO MANY ‘ECHOES’ OF BEING ‘BLINDSIDED’… TOO MANY TIMES WHEN ‘I DID NOT SEE IT COMING’…THE VIVIDNESS OF MY IMAGINATION ‘WORKS AGAINST’ ME…THE PROJECTIONS OF ‘BULLIES’ AND ‘GIANTS’ PERMEATES ME AS I FEEL ENMESHED IN THE ‘SLEEPING CROWDS’ WHERE TOO MANY ARE ‘LOST IN DREAMS’ AND ‘BURIED’ IN DEBTS TRYING TO KEEP PACE WITH THE MADNESS OF THE IMBALANCES…
I KNOW HOW ‘KEEPING IT DENIED’ DISCONNECTS IT FROM THE REAL…THE BLOCKED UP ‘TORSO OF RAGE’ SERVES AS A SUCKING ‘TRUNCATION’ OF DESPAIR LOOKING TO AN AUTHORITY ‘DADDY’ FOR THE SEEDS OF THE PATHING…IT IS VIOLENCE IN A MODE OF RECEPTIVITY AND DIGESTION … ONE SEARCHES FOR COMPENSATORY SUSTENANCE TO OVERCOME THE TOXICITY OF ALL KINDS OF ‘EMOTIONAL NARCOTICS’ …
I MUSE TO MYSELF…THE ‘BLINDSPOT IS THE HEART OF THE DREAM’… ‘ALL IS CLOUDED BY DESIRE’…THE CONSEQUENCES OF NOT BEING ‘VIGILANT’ ENOUGH… EXPERIENCING MEMORIES OF NOT BEING ‘ALERT’… MY GRASP OF THE FORCES OF THE DYNAMIC IS UNABLE TO COMPREHEND THE STRENGTH OF MY OWN ‘WILL’ YET TEMPER MY ‘ACTIONS’ ASSESSING THE CONSEQUENCES THAT ARE BEYOND MY UNDERSTANDING AND MY CONTROL…
IT IS A BATTLEGROUND OF FIGHTING FOR THE DIGNITY OF ‘INDEPENDENCE’ AS I TRY TO STAY OUT OF THE TAR PITS AND SAND TRAPS WHERE ‘STRUGGLING’ ONLY MAKES ME FEEL MORE ‘WEBBED’ OR MORE ‘BOGGED DOWN’…I KNOW THAT ‘REAL LIFE IS MESSY’ YET I CONSTANTLY SEEK TO CLARIFY AND SIMPLIFY…TRYING TO BE ACTIVE EVEN AS I REALIZE THAT ‘UNDERSTANDING PRECLUDES ACTION’…
I FEEL A CONSTANT SENSE OF BEING IN ‘RECURRENCE’…A FEELING OF BEING IN DRAMAS OF ‘ACTING OUT OR ACTING IN’… ‘BEING TRAPPED’ IN MY OWN DREAMS AND WISHES…BEING ‘CAUGHT UP’ IN THE ‘DOUBLE-BIND’ OF BEING A ‘W’…A ‘DOUBLE YOU’…BEING LIMITED IN THE SAFETY METHODOLOGY THAT IS THE ‘DOUBLE YOU’ WAY OF CONNECTING TO THE OTHER…THE AWARENESS OF KNOWING THE DUALITY OF ONESELF AND THE ESSENCE OF A ‘BAOKA’ COMPLEXITY OF THE OTHERS…
‘BAOKA’ BEING THE HARMONY OF THE SOUL IN A DUALITY OF ENERGIES…A ‘YIN-YANG ‘ RANGING OF MOTIONS OF ENCOUNTER…SELF KNOWLEDGE…THE TRUTH OF BEING IN THE SWINGS OF RECEPTIVITY AND GENERATIVITY…I SEE MY ‘RANGE’ ROVERING IN A ‘DOUBLE EDGED’ WAY… THE COMPLEXITY OF UNDERSTANDING THE CONTRADICTIONS OF EROS IN DEEP YIN AND DEEP YANG…AS TENNESSEE WILLIAMS SAID ‘I COVER THE WATERFRONT’…
BAOKA...THE STRUGGLE OF OWNING ONE'S ENERGIES...ONE'S SOUL...THE BA OF SOUL FACING THE O OF ABYSS-NOTHINGNESS AND THE KA OF DUALITY AS ACCENTUATION IN AMPLIFIED USEFULNESS IN MEDIUM AVATAR STATES...
I GRASP THE POWER OF MY ‘MIRROR NEURONS’ AS I KNOW HOW MUCH WE ENCOUNTER THE STATES OF MIND OF THE OTHER[S] BY FEELING THE MOTIONS AND FLOWS OF THEIR INTENTIONS…
LIBERATION AND PERSONAL GROWTH DEMANDS A LETTING GO OF EMULATION AND ‘WAITING AND WATCHING’…
ONE MUST STEP BEYOND THE SELF ABSORPTION OF THE ‘AUTO-EROTIC’ IN ORDER TO FIND A PERSON OF THE ‘OPPOSITE SEX’…IT IS MOVING BEYOND THE RHYTHMS AND EMULATIONS OF THE TIMES AND ONE’S HEREDITY…
IT IS AN EVOLUTION OF BECOMING…
IT IS ‘INDIVIDUATION’ PAST THE THE INDULGENCES OF ‘MEISM’…IT IS THE ASSERTION OF BECOMING A ‘HEART -BASED’ BEING BALANCED AND CENTERED IN A CONFIDENCE OF KNOWING ENOUGH TO BE POWERFUL ENOUGH TO FEEL WORTH ENOUGH TO LIVE ENOUGH IN ORDER TO STAND UP ENOUGH TO THE SHADOWS ON THE WALLS AND IN THE STREETS…
IT IS THE ‘COLLISIONISM’ OF THE NIGHT WHERE WEBS OF THE SPIDERWOMAN MESH WITH THE DESIRES OF TRANSCENDENCE…SOMEHOW I WILL OVERCOME THE LIMITS OF THE ‘IMPRINTS’ THAT DEFINE EVERY BREATH AND PATTERN…
THE WORDS BECOME THE MEDIUM OF ALTERED RHYTHMS AND GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO KEEP GOING MOST OF THE TIME…HOWEVER THERE ARE MOMENTS AND PASSAGES WHEN ‘I CAN’T FIND THE WORDS’ TO DESCRIBE AND UNDERSTAND THE FORCES THAT ARE BEYOND MY CONTROL… ‘FORCES THAT OCCUPY MY SOUL’ IN MOMENTS OF FRIGHT AND SADNESS, TERROR AND THE SHADOWS OF DARKNESS…
‘IT IS THE FEAR IN THE ATTIC’ FEELING OF BEING ‘ALONE’ IN SEEING THE ‘HORROR’ DESCRIBED IN THE GREAT BOOK ‘THE HEART OF DARKNESS’…I FEEL THE POWERLESSNESS OF SEEING THE ONGOING GIANT WARS THAT CONSUME THE LIFE FORCE OF THE ORDINARY…THE FORCES THAT SHOW ME THAT ‘JUST IS, IS NOT, JUSTICE’…
THE SHADOWS ON THE ATTIC WALLS BECOME VISUAL SOUL ECHOES THAT DEMAND A RESPONSE …I ENCOUNTER MY OWN FEELINGS TO DECIDE TO BE IN ‘FIGHT OR FLIGHT’…MY EMOTIONAL STATES OF RECEPTIVITY AND DREAMS MUST BE FACED LIKE THE ‘FEAR FANTASY’ COMPETITION PERFORMANCES IN THE MEDIA… BEING IN THE ATTIC IS LIKE BEING IN THE ‘EMPTY STANDS’ WHERE NO AUDIENCE OBSERVES ONE’S CHOICES TO TRANSFORM OUT OF AN INERTIA OF DREAMS…
THE COMPRESSION OF THE CULTURE DEMANDS ‘BUY THIS AND BECOME THIS’ AND I KNOW HOW MUCH IMITATION OF THE ADVERTISED AND THE PORTRAYED SEEMS TO PROVIDE THE TEMPORARY ‘LEVERAGE’ TO ACHIEVE A NEW ‘PECKING ORDER’ RESONANCE. THE STRUGGLE OF LEVERAGING AND ACCUMULATING MUST RUN IT’S COURSE UNTIL ONE FEELS THE ‘LACK OF AUTHENTICITY’ IN ONE’S WAYS…
I IMITATE THE IMAGES AND PERFORM IN THE WAYS OF DREAMS TO FILL IN WHAT IS MISSING…IN THE PAST I ‘BOUGHT TIME’ AS I SIMULTANEOUSLY LEARNED TO HEAL AND REPAIR THE WOUNDS AND THE FEELINGS OF ‘INFERIORITY’…SO MUCH WAS INVESTED IN MY DRIVES TO ACHIEVE POWER…MY DETERMINATION TO GET CONTROL…
‘YOU CAN TELL ME IF YOU ‘FUCKED HER’…I JUST WANT TO KNOW’…
A PIVOT OF CONSCIOUSNESS…HOMEWORK SEARCHING FOR THE MEDIATION OF NOT LOSING WHAT ONE NEEDS EVEN AS ONE STRETCHES FOR WHAT ONE MUST DO…THE ‘TREASURED LOSS’…THE LONELINESS OF LETTING GO…THE ERUPTIVENESS OF THE ‘BETRAYAL’ EVEN IN THE ‘UNSAID’…SO MUCH THAT IS OUTSIDE OF THE ‘AGREED UPON’ CONNECTION…
THE CONSCIOUSNESS IS THE AWARENESS OF THE DEGREE OF BEING IN ONE’S TRUE RHYTHM AND HEALTHY ORBIT…BEING CENTERED IN PURPOSE AS MANY INFLUENCES PRESSURE ONE TO LOSE HARMONY AND BALANCE…
IT IS ‘NOT GETTING CAUGHT OFF BASE’ AS ONE LEANS TOWARDS THE NEXT BASE…IT IS A READINESS OF ‘OPPORTUNISM’ AS ONE ‘TAKES THE EXTRA BASE WHEN THE PLAY OCCURS…IT IS ALWAYS ‘TIMING IS EVERYTHING’ AS I ‘GO’ ON AND COMPLETE THE CYCLE…THE HOME RUN OF A HEALTHY ‘HOMEOSTASIS’…THE CLARITY OF BEING ‘AWARE’ AND CENTERED…
ONE LEARNS THE IMPORTANCE OF MAINTAINING ‘SHIELD TIME’…THE NECESSITY OF PROTECTION EVEN AS ONE EVOLVES TO HEALTHIER STATES…MAKING SURE THAT THE OTHER[S] DO NOT INFLICT ANY WOUNDS OR HARM THEREBY CAUSING ONE TO ‘LOSE GROUND’ IN A STRUGGLE FOR DIGNITY AND PERSONAL POWER…IT IS WRESTLING WITH ‘SHAME’ AS INADEQUACY AND ‘FEAR OF BEING CAUGHT IN THE ACT AGAIN’ THAT PARTITIONS ME AND SPLITS ME OFF FROM THE TOTALITY OF REAL FEELING…
THE ‘SCARY PAST’ OF BLOCKS,OBSTACLES AND DEFENSES ARE BEING DISSOLVED AS ONE ACHIEVES A STRENGTH OF PRESENCE IN BREATHING THROUGH THESE DAMAGES OF ‘YESTERDAZE’… ‘LETTING GO’ RELEASES AND ‘MOVING ON’ ARE THE CHOICES OF NEW GROWTH…NEW TIMINGS ALTER ALL CONNECTIONS AND ORBITS AS ONE BEGINS TO ‘TRAVEL IN NEW CIRCLES’…
THERE IS A GAP OF WHAT IS ‘INNER NECESSITY’ AND WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO ‘GO FORWARD’ …
IT IS A PERSONAL VICTORY TO EXCEED THE CONSTRAINTS OF ‘ACCEPTANCE AND APPROVAL’…IT IS A SUCCESS TO ‘DO WHAT ONE WILLS’ ESPECIALLY AS ONE DOES NO HARM TO OTHERS…IT IS THE FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT OF EACH PERSON TO SEEK TO DEVELOP THE TOTALITY OF POTENTIAL THROUGH PERSONAL ACTION…
IT IS ‘TIMING’ AS A GENERATIVE COMPLIANCE OF ‘GOING’ AND ‘RACING’ WITH THE COMBUSTION OF ‘AMPLIFIED USEFULNESS’… IT IS ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE AND ELIMINATE THE NEGATIVE AS ENERGIES ARE DIRECTED IN A ‘VANITY FAIR’ ORDERING…IT IS GOING INTO THE ‘INNER NECESSITY’ OF REAL NEEDS THAT BRING ONE OUT OF THE ‘SCARY PAST’ AND INTO THE PRESENCE OF A PATHING OF HEART AND SOUL…
I KNOW THAT ‘HEART IS A PROCESS AS MUCH AS A STATE… IT IS WILL AS THE MOMENTUM OF SELF LOVE EVOLVING BEYOND THE WILLFULNESS OF GRASPING TO GET BEYOND ‘LACK’…IT IS ‘WILL’ OUT OF THE SENSES OF ‘INADEQUACY’ AND ‘INFERIORITY’…IT IS ‘WILL’ OF BEING ONE’S SELF THROUGH THE TRIALS AND DEMANDS OF EVERYDAY…
THE LEVEL AND DEPTH OF SHOCK AND TRAUMA FOSTERS A TERROR…A ‘FEAR IN THE ATTIC’ EQUIVALENT TO THE FEAR OF SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN CHINA…
‘IT’S NOT THAT THEY DON’T CARE , IT’S THAT THEY DON’T DARE CARE’…
THE ‘TERROR OF THE EVERYDAY’ AS DESCRIBED BY BEIJING PROFESSOR JIAO GUOBIAO.
IT IS ‘INDEPENDENCE’ FROM THE ‘CORPORATE’ CONTROLLED MEDIA THAT ‘TIME DELAYS’ LIVE PERFORMANCES IN ORDER TO SUPPRESS ANY POSSIBLE ‘UNSCRIPTED’ POLITICAL STATEMENTS…
IT IS THE SENSE OF THE REAL THAT IS BEYOND THE ‘IMPULSES’ OF ‘INSTANT GRATIFICATION’…IT IS KNOWING THAT DESIRE IS A ‘STRATEGIST’ WORKING THROUGH ANOTHER OBJECT, IMAGE, OR PERSON TO GET WHAT IT WANTS…IT IS THE EARLY CHILDHOOD TRIANGULATION OF EROS STILL CONTROLLING ONE’S MOMENTUM IN WRESTLING WITH POWER…THE IMMATURITY OF THE EROS IS DESIRE IN THE MODE OF ‘MANIPULATIONS’…
ONE BEING PLAYED OFF AGAINST ANOTHER FOR SOME NEED OR COMPLEX HUNGER…IT IS THE CONSCIOUSNESS THAT ‘HUNGER MAKES PEOPLE STUPID’…….
ONCE THINGS ARE ‘TAKEN AWAY’ WE LEARN METHODS AND MANIPULATIONS TO SEEK AND OBTAIN WHAT WE ‘CRAZE AND CRAVE’…THE GREATER THE ‘INTENSITY’ OF THE SEEKING, THE MORE THE IMBALANCE IS NOT RESOLVABLE… IT IS THE ‘HYSTERIA SENSUALIZATION’ OF ‘TRYING TOO HARD AND THEREFORE FAILING’…IT IS THE DRAMA OF OBSESSION AND ‘HAFTA HAVE’…
THERE ARE MANY WAYS THAT DENIAL SERVES THE STRATEGIES OF DESIRE…SELF DELUSION AND SELF DECEPTION DRAMAS OF IMAGINATION AND FANTASY PROTECT THE REAL THAT IS ‘HIDDEN ‘ BEHIND THE ‘INNER UNREAL’ THAT FUNCTIONS IN A WORLD THAT DOES NOT VALUE PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY REALLY ARE…
THE ‘INNER UNREAL’ BECOMES THE SOURCE OF ‘SUBSTANCE ABUSE’ AS ONE HAS TO BUILD THE MECHANISMS OF ‘SATISFYING’ THE DEMANDS OF THE ‘POWERS THAT BE’ AND STILL TRY TO GET ONE’S NEEDS MET…
‘I WANT YOU TO BE HONEST WITH ME…I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE TRUTH…I PROMISE THAT I WON’T GET ANGRY’…
SHE SEEMED TO OWN MY VULNERABILITY…SHE WAS ALWAYS ONE BREATH AWAY FROM MY ‘WILL’ OF DOING WHAT I WANTED TO DO…SHE CONTAINED AND WEBBED AT EACH INTERSECT DEMANDING THAT I RESPOND TO HER EVEN AS I SOUGHT ‘ACCELERATION’ AND ‘INDEPENDENCE’…
WHAT IS IT THAT I NEEDED FROM HER…
THERE WAS ALWAYS A STRUGGLE OF ‘WOUNDS AND WOOING’…SHE GETS ME TO PLAY THE ‘PRINCE’ RESCUING HER RATHER THAN ‘RHETT BUTLER’ NOT GIVING A ‘DAM’…
AS THE MUSIC PLAYED OUT THERE WAS ‘SOMETHING’ IN THE WAY’ THAT SHE SPOKE AND MOVED…A DEEP FEELING IN THE HEART AS A ‘RISING OF THE CREATIVE’…A HUNGER TO CONSUME WHAT SHE OFFERED TO ME…SHE WAS EVERYTHING THAT I THOUGHT THAT I NEEDED…I WAS STARVING FOR MORE THAN SHE COULD GIVE……..
THINGS AND TIMES CHANGE…NEEDS CHANGE…HORMONES AND DIETS CHANGE…SELF RESPECT AND SELF LOVE EMPOWER ONE TO GO ON…SOLITUDE AND GENERATIVITY BECOME ‘MEDITATIVE’ AND OWNING ONE’S SOUL TIME…
IT IS THE COURAGE TO BREATHE INTO THE REAL THAT ‘MATTERS’…IT IS GETTING BEYOND THE MECHANISMS OF CONTROLLED DEFENSIVENESS…IT IS THE TRUTH OF VULNERABILITY AS ONE BECOMES MORE REAL…
THE SPECTRUM OF METHODS OF ‘EMOTIONAL DISTANCINGS’ AND ‘DISSOCIATIONS’ FROM THE REAL SELF RANGE FROM STATES OF WITHDRAWAL TO TOTAL IMMERSION IN THE SOCIAL RHYTHMS…IT IS THE COMPLIANCE OF ‘GOING ALONG TO GET ALONG’ IN A COMMISERATION OF ‘SHARED POWERLESSNESS’ THAT SEEMS SO NORMAL…IT IS THE ‘INNER CONFLICT’ THAT BECOMES A ‘PARTITIONING’ OF FEELINGS AND EXPRESSIONS AS ONE KNOWS ONE MUST ‘BITE ONE’S TONGUE’ TO AVOID CAUSING ‘AGGRESSIONS’…
IT IS THE ‘ANGER TURNED INWARD’ AGAINST THE ‘INNER REAL’ THAT MAINTAINS THE ‘METHODS’ OF THE MADNESS…THE POWER AND CONTROL OF THE ‘INNER UNREAL’…
THE ‘INNER UNREAL’ IS THE ‘MASTER’ ENSLAVING THE INNER REAL…IT IS THE FORCE OF ‘SHAME’ THAT EXPANDS AND CONTRACTS TO CONSOLIDATE AND CONTROL THE ‘IMAGE’ OR REPRESENTATION OF WHO ONE CONSIDERS ONESELF TO BE…THE SELF THAT THE WORLD REWARDS, SEES AND RESPONDS TO…
‘SHAME’ BECOMES A SENSE OF THE QUEST FOR POWER IN ORDER TO OVERCOME FEELINGS OF ‘NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH’…IT IS ‘THE TYRANNY OF THE INFANTILE WITHIN’ THAT HAS BECOME THE ‘CONTROLLER’ OF THE ‘INNER UNREAL’…
‘SHAME’ IS THE ‘MASTER EMOTION’ MAINTAINING A GOAL TO ‘CONTROL OUTCOMES’ AND ‘IMPRESSIONS’ OF PERSONAL INERTIA… ‘SHAME’ IS THE FORCE OF DISPLAY THAT ONE SEEKS TO USE TO ‘IMPRINT’ INTO THE ‘OTHERS’…IT IS THE MIXTURE OF ‘VANITY’ AND ‘HYSTERIA SENSUALIZATION’ THAT SERVES THE ‘CONTROLLER’ OF THE ‘INNER UNREAL’ AS IT ‘WARDS OFF’ EXPOSURE AND THE UNVEILING OF THE REAL…
‘YOU FUCKED HER DIDN’T YOU’… SHE SAID WITH A MIXTURE OF CONTEMPT AND RAGE ALTHOUGH I STILL FELT HER WOUNDEDNESS AS THE DRAMA REPLAYED IN MY MEMORY…
‘IT IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK’…
‘YOU JUST WANTED TO GET BACK AT ME’… ‘YOU WANTED TO PUNISH ME FOR WHAT I DID’…
‘YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND…IT’S NOT THE WAY YOU THINK…IT’S DIFFERENT…IT IS NOT A REJECTION ‘…
‘IT IS THE POWERLESSNESS AND THE WOUNDEDNESS’…
‘ALWAYS AN EXCUSE…YOU FUCKED HER BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO ‘FUCK HER’…
IT IS SO MUCH EASIER IN HINDSIGHT.
DEEP IN MY PSYCHE’ VULNERABILITY I WRESTLE WITH A QUEST FOR LOVE ‘TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER’…A DEPENDENCY OF NEEDING ‘COMFORT’ AND ‘PAIN RELIEF’… A SEARCH FOR ‘ESTEEM’ AND A MOTION TOWARD WHOLENESS ‘BY WHATEVER MEANS POSSIBLE’…TO GRASP THE ‘FLAWS’ AND LEARN TO BREATHE INTO AND THROUGH THEM… A RESOLVE TO ‘OVERCOME THE INERTIA’ OF ‘REARING’ AND THE LIMITS OF IMPOSED ‘DAMAGE’ …DAMAGE AS THE RESULT OF TRAUMA AND LEVELS OF NECESSITY ‘COMPLIANCE’…
I TEMPER MY ASSERTIONS OF REACTIVITY…THE ERUPTIVENESS OF ‘WILLFULNESS’ IN A REACTIVE DEFIANCE AGAINST SOME CONTROL OR FORCE OF ‘AUTHORITY’…THE ‘CONTROL’ THAT SEEMS ‘IMPOSED’ FROM AN EXTERNAL AUTHORITY SEEMING TO COMPEL THE PROBLEM ‘AUTHORITARIANISM’ AND RIGIDITY OF SHAME AND DEFENSIVENESS…
IT BECOMES A PSYCHOLOGICAL ‘TURF WAR’ AS ‘FENCING’ AND ‘DUELING’ TO ACHIEVE SOME FORM OF SAFENESS ARE FULLY ACTIVATED AND MANY BEHAVIORS ARE SKEWED AS A RESULT… THE ‘DISTANCINGS’ IN SELF PROTECTION THEN MAY COMBINE WITH A DESIRE INVESTMENT STRATEGY AS I DRIVE IN A ‘MUTUAL RECIPROCITY’ OF ENCOUNTERING THE SIMILARLY HURT AND STRIVING…
IT IS THE OPPORTUNITY OF EACH NEW CRISIS AS AN ‘INTERSECTION’ TO CONNECT IN MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL SUPPORT AND KINDNESS…
IT IS AN ATTRACTION DRAMA OF ‘POWER SEEKING’ THAT TEMPORARILY SERVES AS A MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL LOVE PROVIDING A WAY TO PROCEED WITH THE DREAMS AND WISHFULNESS OF ‘OVERCOMING’ THE MEMORIES AND THE MADNESS OF WOUNDEDNESS…
REALITY BECOMES SIMPLY A PROCESS OF ‘I JUST DID WHAT I HAD TO DO’ UNTIL ONE KNOWS THE SHADOWS OF THE ATTIC…SO MUCH IS LIMITED BY THE LACK OF A HEALTHY CENTERING…A STRONG SENSE OF SELF…MANY PATHS ARE CLOSED AND MANY CHOICES ARE NOT EVEN SEEN…THERE IS A ‘BLINDNESS’ OF ‘SELF ABSORPTION’ AND ‘FOSTERED DEPENDENCY’…POSSIBILITIES ARE NEVER IN THE CARDS WHEN ‘DISCARDS’ ARE ON THE TABLE AND ‘WORTH’ IS SIMPLY THE FOG OF YESTERDAY’S LOSSES…
THERE ARE WISHES AND WONDER IN THE SHADOWS…IT IS SORTING AND BREATHING THROUGH THE ANGUISH AND THE ‘TREASURED LOSSES’…IT IS IDENTIFYING THE REAL THAT IS THE ‘HEART OF THE HEALING’…IT IS BRINGING FORTH THE REAL THAT ‘ACTUALIZES’ AND ‘SAVES’ THE SOUL OF THE SELF…
INSIGHT TAKES TIME TO BECOME CONFIDENCE MOVING BEYOND THE SEEMING ‘NARROWNESS’ OF A RANGE OF ‘ATTRACTIONS’…IT IS A NEW ASSERTION OF WILL IN A NEW CHOICE OF A REALISM…IT IS IDENTIFYING THE FORCES OF SHAME, DENIAL AND ‘HOLDING BACK’…
‘I WOULD NOT ALLOW MYSELF’ TO BE AFFECTED BY HER BEAUTY…
SHE IS ‘OUT OF MY LEAGUE’…
SHE IS ONLY INTERESTED IN ALL THOSE WHO ARE COMING AT HER SO MUCH OF THE TIME…IT IS A FEELING OF BEING UNABLE TO COMPETE ON THAT PLANE OF REPRODUCTIVITY…
I MOVE THROUGH MY FORTY FOETUS FALL CONSCIOUSNESS AND FIND MYSELF HOPING THAT ‘STRIVING’ IS LOSING ITS INFLUENCE AS I EVOLVE TO A CENTERING OF WILL THAT IS BEYOND THE PAIN SHAPED JOURNEY OF REACTIVITY AND MANIPULATION IN MY ‘WILLFULNESS’ OF ‘GETTING’ WHAT THE ‘CONTROLLER’ OF MY SHAME APPETITES DEMANDED THAT I HAD TO HAVE…
‘YEAH…I FUCKED HER’…I SENSED A MEDIATION WITHIN MY SOUL…A COMPASSION…AN AWARENESS OF THE ESSENCES OF ‘I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO’…IT IS THE GENERATIVE THAT MUST FIND ITS’ WAY…I SPOKE CLEARLY TO MYSELF….THE DIFFICULTY WAS IN THE LOSS OF LOVE THAT KEPT ME IN MY ‘INNER UNREAL’ STARVING FOR NURTURANCE………
THE CLARITY OF NECESSITY…A ‘NEGOTIATION OF REALITY’…A REVISIONARY VISION OF WHAT REALLY ‘IS’…A SELF RESPECT UNDERSTANDING AND A COMPASSION TO ‘MOVE ON’ RECOGNIZING THE WISDOM OF EMOTIONAL CLUMSINESS SEARCHING FOR A HEALTHY HOMEOSTASIS AND STRENGTH OF CENTERING…
‘DID YOU FUCK HER’ ?…
I REPEATED THE WORDS OUT LOUD…
THE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING RESONATED AS I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW…THE STORM WAS THE TRUTH OF THE FIRE IN MY SPIRIT…A CREATIVE FIRE OF LOVE AND DESIRE THAT DRIVES ME TO EXPAND IN STRENGTHENING INTENT AND WILL… THAT RESONATES IN A HEAT OF GENERATIVITY TO ACT IN A RESOLVE OF NEED…
THE SOUNDS OF YESTERDAY SEEMED TO ECHO IN MY LONELINESS…MY ALONENESS…THERE IS AN INJUSTICE IN IT…A HUNGER THAT IS VORACIOUS…IN TRAUMATIZED AWARENESS THE WOUNDEDNESS IS BEYOND THE BONDINGS OF DESIRE…
THE PAIN DEMANDS MORE THAN THE OTHER ALONE IS CAPABLE OF GIVING…
YEAH I FUCKED HER…
I LISTENED TO MY TRUTH. I FELT COMPASSION FOR MYSELF. SELF LOVE AND SELF RESPECT. ONE LEARNS TO OVERCOME SELF BETRAYAL FEELINGS AS ONE HEALS BEARING IN MIND HOW MUCH ONE HAS TO DO TO SOLVE THE CRISIS OF THE SELF…TO ‘OVERCOME THE SELF’ THAT IS THE INERTIA OF THE ‘INNER UNREAL’….
THE ENSUING TIME OF PRESENCE MAKES AVAILABLE THE INGREDIENTS OF EMOTIONAL WISDOM…ONE SEES TOO MUCH THAT MAY BE LOST IN THE FLOOD…TOO MUCH IS DESTROYED IN THE COLLAPSE OF THE ‘IDEALIZATION’…TOO MUCH IS TOO MESSY… THE MIXES OF HUNGERS, DISAPPOINTMENTS AND DREAMS BECOMES A LOSS OF INNOCENCE AND IT COMPELS A REBIRTHING IN NEW WAYS…NEW RELATIONSHIPS AND THE END OF THE OLD ORDERING……..
AS JULIA KRISTEVA SAID… ‘ONE MUST RENOUNCE ONE’S AUTO-EROTICISM’ IN ORDER TO FIND A PERSON OF THE OPPOSITE SEX’…
THE ‘BREAKTHROUGH’…SEEING A NEW REALITY…SEEING THE COMPLEXITY…SEEING THE WAY TO KEEP GOING IN AN ‘INVESTMENT’ INTO THE SELF THROUGH INVESTMENT INTO THE OTHERS…
‘LIMITS’…THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH THAT ONE CAN DO …BALANCE INVESTMENTS IN THE SELF ALONG THE PATH OF THE HEART FLOWS OF CONNECTION TO THE OTHERS… RECOGNIZE DIFFERENCES AND BLINDNESS…SEEK TO ADD VALUE WHILE MINIMIZING ACCENTUATIONS OF FALSENESS…
A PERCOLATION SURFACING…MEMORY AND VULNERABILITY…REMEMBERING LATE NIGHT TIMES OF LYING IN BED AWAKE AND DISTRAUGHT…
‘WHEN WILL SHE COME HOME’?
THE PSYCHE’ ECHOES…A THEME RESURFACING IN SENSES OF LEARNED COPING AND EXCESSIVENESS OF CONTROLS… IMAGES OF MY FATHER SITTING BY THE WINDOW WAITING FOR MY RETURN FROM A LATE DATE…MEMORIES OF THE ANGER OF ‘WORRY’ AND THE ‘STRESS’ OF MY BEING SPLIT OFF FROM THE RHYTHMS OF THE ‘ORDINARY’…THE ‘ALIENATION GAP’ OF DIFFERENCE…THE KNOWLEDGE THAT ‘SOMETHING’ IS SLIPPING AWAY’ OUT OF ONE’S GRASP AND THAT THERE IS NOTHING THAT ONE CAN DO ABOUT IT’…A POWERLESSNESS OF NO LONGER CONTROLLING THE FEELINGS OR THE BONDS OF CONNECTION…
MY FATHER DEMANDING ‘WHEN WILL HE COME HOME’? AS A PROJECTION IN ‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU CAN BE DOING AT ALL HOURS OF THE MORNING’…….
FEARS AND GUILT ABSORBED INTO MY DRIVES…..DOING INNER NECESSITY YET MEDIATING THE PRESSURES AND DEMANDS OF RELIGIOUS GUILT AND LIMITS……..
I SENSE THE ‘BUILT IN PANIC’ OF IT…THE TIME OF ‘WILLFULNESS’ WHEN BOTH ARE TRAPPED IN THE SAME PAINFUL STRUGGLE FOR DIGNITY AND BLINDLY TRYING TO NEUTRALIZE THE ANGUISH…TRYING TO OVERCOME THE VULNERABILITY IN THE ASSERTION OF ‘ME’ YET STILL BEING WEBBED IN THE RHYTHMS OF AN ‘ENGENDERED TEMPERAMENT’…
BEING TOO MUCH LIKE THE MOTHER…TOO MUCH LIKE THE FATHER…
IT IS MORE THAN REACTIVE WILLFULNESS…MORE THAN ‘RUNNING TO DAYLIGHT’…IT IS DISCOVERING THE TRUTH OF SELF IN RIDING OUT THE TURBULENCE OF THE INNER RAPIDS OF HABITS AND PATTERNS SO INGRAINED AND CHARGED UP IN MERIDIAN FLOW NORMALCY.
NEW STREAMINGS MUST OCCUR AS A RESULT OF NEW ‘WHETHER’…NEW FERTILITY AND BREATHING ACTIVATE NEW RHYTHMS OF HEART AND SPIRIT…ONE LEARNS REACHING FOR A NEW STIMULATION BEYOND MERE IMPULSE OF REACTIVITY…
IT IS THE TIME OF ALTERING THE TIDES OF FLIGHT AND FIGHT…THERE IS ACCEPTANCE OF THE PAST AND THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE MOMENT OF ‘YE’…TO BRIDGE YESTERDAY INTO THE STEPPING INTO THE FUTURE…
IT IS THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE RAGE OF THE ‘MISSING’…THE PRESSURE COOKER…SOMETHING MUST BE DONE TO COUNTER THE ‘LACK’…THE ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’…
IT IS ‘HANSEL AND GRETEL’ TIME…TO HOLD ON YET KNOW THE IMPORTANCE OF ‘LETTING GO’ IN ORDER TO STRENGTHEN ONE’S INNER RESOLVE TO ACHIEVE ‘INDEPENDENCE’ BEYOND THE TRAUMA DEFINED HISTORY OF COPING AND ADAPTATION…
IT IS SWITCH AND WHICH…ITCH, NICHE, BITCH, AND WITCH THAT COMPELS THE DRAGONS OF DEFENSIVENESS TO PATROL THE LAIR OF ‘HOLDING ON TO THE LITTLE THAT ONE HAS’…
IT IS THE VULNERABILITY OF ‘JOB’…THE LOSSES DEMANDING PATIENCE AND ACCEPTANCE…
‘I AM TAKING THIS THAT YOU NEED AWAY FROM YOU’…
WHAT IS IT THAT I REALLY NEED BECOMES THE MEASUREMENT OF SIMPLICITY EVEN AS THE CLOCKS TICKS THROUGH THE REALM OF ‘IN-TIC-TOCKS A ‘K’ SHUN’…THE SELF ABSORPTION WORLD OF PACIFIERS AND DREAMS…
THERE IS A PIVOT CONSCIOUSNESS IN THIS…I FEEL SO MUCH ABANDONMENT YET I SENSE A HUNGER TOWARD THE NEED FOR A ‘RAWNESS’ IN A WISH THAT IS IN SOME LEVEL OF ‘ABANDON’…SOME FORM OF A REBALANCING OF SOUL THAT IS AKIN TO THE RESCUE OF A ‘PRINCESS’ FROM THE HEIGHTS OF THE CASTLE…
THERE IT IS…I FOUND THE ECHO OF VULNERABILITY… THE ECHO OF DEEP NEED…
EMPTINESS…..NOTHINGNESS………
THE SOMETHING THAT IS TAKEN AWAY…LOSS AND ‘EMPTINESS’…THE SOURCE OF ‘DENIAL’…
THE TERRAIN OF SUBSTITUTIONS… SURROGATES… SOMEONE OR SOMETHING TO PACIFY OR SATISFY…THE PLATEAU OF SOFT AND HARD ADDICTIONS…THE EDGE OF THE ‘FIREWALL’ OF PROTECTION…THE MOAT OF DISTANCINGS AND ILLUSIONS…
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO BE ‘HAPPY’…HOW MUCH DELUSION…SELF DECEPTION…ACCEPTANCE OF ILLUSION…
IT IS IN THE FLAWS IN THE FOUNDATION…
‘SHE IS LOOKING FOR THE FLAWS THAT WILL ENABLE HER TO ERUPT BEYOND THE LIMITS IMPOSED BY HER FATHER…FOR THE FATHER HAS BLOCKED THE DAUGHTER’S SEXUAL ENERGY BY RESERVING IT FOR HIMSELF’…
SEEING HER STRUGGLE ILLUMINATES MY OWN………
IT IS CONSCIOUSNESS OF THE PASSAGES THROUGH CONSTRAINTS OF HEREDITARY EXPECTANCIES AND FOSTERED STATES OF ‘WHAT WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE’…
GOING DEEPER INTO HEREDITY ECHOES…
‘IF THEY DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH FOR THEMSELVES HOW COULD THEY GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED’…
WHAT IS THE WAY OUT…WHAT IS THE ‘PATH OF THE HEART’…
I SEE HOW DOING ACTIONS OF ‘SERVICE’… ‘FOSTERING POSSIBILITIES’ AND SENSITIVELY GUIDING ‘TROUBLED FRIENDS AND LOVERS’ OUT OF TRAUMAS AND KINWEBS SERVES MY STRUGGLE TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS OF ‘INFERIORITY AND INADEQUACY’… IT IS HOW WE DEVELOP OUR SENSES AND IN SOME WAYS MAKE OUR FLAWS OUR STRENGTHS…
I ENCOUNTER MY CRIES AND CATCALLS IN ECHOES IN ELEVATORS AND ESCALATORS OF ASCENDING AND DESCENDING OF EROS PRESENCE…
THE EMPTINESS OF THE AIR SHAFT AS THE ‘DREAM’…THE SPACE OF ACCESSING A PARALLELISM OF LOSS AND HOPE…
FEELING INADEQUACY IN SEARCHING FOR STRENGTH OF HEART TO BE IN MY REAL SENSE OF PSYCHE’ HOMEOSTASIS…
I HERE ECHOES… ‘THE ‘PROOF’ IS IN THE PUDDING’…
‘CAN HE ‘CUT THE MUSTARD’’?
MY ‘INNER NECESSITY’ SURFACING IN ECHOES OF REACHING FORWARD AS A GREAT HUNGER OF WEIGHING ‘TREASURED LOSS’ WHILE GRASPING FOR THE GREAT FUCKING OF A FULLNESS OF SELF…
THERE IS A ‘FIRESTORM IN THE EVOLUTION’ THAT MUST BE CONSTANTLY MAINTAINED AT A BALANCED LEVEL SO AS TO SUSTAIN AND NOT ‘BURN OUT’…
‘TOO MUCH FIRE AND ALL BECOMES ASH…TOO LITTLE AIR AND THE FIRE DIES’…
HEREDITY ECHOES PLAY OUT IN SENSES OF WORRY AND WEARINESS…WAITING BY THE WINDOW… WATCHING AND TRYING TO QUELL THE FEAR AND THE THREAT OF POTENTIAL LOSS…TOO MUCH ‘AT RISK’… ‘TOO MUCH’ AT STAKE… GUARDING AGAINST THE DANGERS OF SOMETHING BEING ‘TAKEN AWAY’ WHEN THERE IS SO LITTLE THAT ONE HAS…
‘BE CAREFUL’…AN ADMONITION OF TRUTH YET A LINE OF LIMIT AS WELL AS A LINE OF ASSERTION…A POINT OF REBELLION TO CLAIM THE RISK AND THE REWARD OF OWNING ONE’S OWN LIFE FORCE ENERGIES…
‘WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME’?
I REACHED FOR AN EXPLANATION. IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT… THINGS WERE ALWAYS SKEWED AND COMPRESSED…THE EARLY ADVICE AND CONSTRAINTS ‘HEMMED’ YET AFFORDED PROTECTION…
‘BE CAREFUL’…I FELT THE COMPRESSED STATE OF BEING UNDER SOMEONE’S THUMB…THE MANAGED REALITY OF HAVING TO ANSWER CONSTANTLY…THE RAGE OF NOT LIVING A FULLY REALIZED LIFE…
‘BE CAREFUL’…THE WOODS ARE DARK AND DEEP AND INEVITABLY YOU HAVE TO GO IT ALONE…TO FACE THE FEARS OF TREKS THAT GO TO THE EDGE OF MORTALITY…
‘DID YOU FUCK HER’?
DREAMS ECHO IN TRANSFERS OF BEAUTY AND DESIRE… I REMEMBER STATES OF BEING…
‘WE WERE AT THE PUMPKIN BALL AND SHE WAS NEW YEARS ‘EVE’’…IT WAS ‘LITTLE DID I KNOW TIME’ AS I DANCED WITH THE ‘QUEEN OF HEARTS’ NEAR THE ‘TUNNEL OF LOVE’ INSIDE THE GREAT PYRAMID…SHE WAS NEFERTITI AND I WAS INNOCENCE FILLING THE ‘SEED BOX ON THE WINDOW SILL’…WE SHARED THE DRAMA OF ‘DREAMGIRLS’ AS I ROAMED THE GREAT YIN PLATEAU OF VULNERABILITY AND RECEPTIVITY…
‘DID YOU FUCK HER’?
I KNOW THAT I WAS SEARCHING FOR THE REAL FEELING A WAVE OF SPONTANEITY AS I BEGAN TO OVERCOME THE SORROWS OF MY MOTHER…I WRESTLED WITH THE ADMONITIONS OF ‘BE CAREFUL’ AS CAUTION RELEASED INTO THE WINDS OF EROS…THE DAMAGES AND BRANDS SERVING THE ACROBATICS MANEUVERING THROUGH THE ‘TREASURED LOSS’ TERRAIN THAT COMPELLED MY QUEST TO DO ‘THE CONQUEST OF PAIN’…
‘DID YOU ENJOY IT’?
THE RESONANCE OF CHALLENGE AND THE ASSERTION OF THE POTENCY OF THE REAL SELF… ‘DECONSTRUCTION’… THINGS BREAKING DOWN AND DEMANDING THE QUICKNESS OF INCREASED LIQUIDITY OF GENERATIVITY…THE POTENCY OF HOW SPECIAL IT ALL SEEMED WAS SLIPPING THROUGH MY FINGERS…
THE STORMS CREATED MOTIONS AND TIDES OF ‘INNER NECESSITY’…THE FLOODING THREATENED MY SANCTUARY… MY ATTIC SPACE OF STORAGE AND DREAMS…
I FELT SO MUCH ‘BLINDNESS’ OF DESIRE WISHING FOR THE ‘ABANDON’ THAT WOULD WASH IT ALL AWAY…
I WANTED THE GREAT FLOOD OF REGENERATION OF MY HEART TO PERMEATE ALL STATES IN A SIMULTANEITY OF REBIRTHING…I WANTED A ‘WISHED FOR’ AUTHENTIC PRESENCE…I NO LONGER WANTED TO FEEL LIKE ‘PINOCCHIO’ AND THE ‘PUPPET’ OF BEING ‘HIGHLY STRUNG’…
THERE WAS SUDDENLY A NEW ECHO… IT CAME FROM DEEP IN THE NERVES AND FIBERS…
THERE SEEMED TO BE A DEEP VIOLENCE CALLING OUT…THE REASONS FOR THE PUNISHMENT FOR BEING INADEQUATE FROM THE TIME OF BIRTH…THE KNOWLEDGE OF A STRUGGLE FOR BEING ‘WORTHY’ WHEN THE CULTURE IMPRINTING IS ‘THE MORE THERE ARE OF YOU, THE LESS YOU ARE OF ANY VALUE’…
I WAS GRASPING THE DIFFERENCE OF ‘FRUSTRATION VS. SUFFERING’ AND KNOWING THAT ‘SUFFERING AFFORDS AN ‘OPPORTUNITY FOR TRANSFORMATION’ WHILE ‘FRUSTRATION’ SIMPLY STOPS ME IN MY TRACKS…
‘BE CAREFUL…YOU MIGHT NEED THAT SOMEDAY…IT COULD COME IN HANDY…YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED IT’… STORAGE CONTAINERS OF ACCUMULATIONS…BATTERY ACCUMULATORS OF FRAUDULENT NECESSITIES…
A TENDENCY TO FOLLOW THE TENETS OF INSTITUTIONS THAT EXPLAIN ‘SUFFERING’ AND ‘INJUSTICE’ AS THE ‘PROCESS’ OF GETTING TO HEAVEN OR ‘GOING TO HELL’…
IN SOME WAYS IT IS AS IF WE LIVE IN A ‘LIFEBOAT’ CONTANTLY MAKING SURVIVAL CHOICES…IT IS IN THE ‘TREASURES’ OF ACCUMULATIONS AND POSSESSIONS THAT ARE ‘VALUED MORE THAN LIFE’… ASSETS TO GET THROUGH THE ‘BAD TIMES’…
LIFE BECOMES A CONSTANCY FEAR BRACING AGAINST THE WINDS OF SCARCITY…
‘YOU FUCKED HER…DIDN’T YOU’…
MY OWN NEEDS PITTED AGAINST HER HELLFIRE RISING FROM THE DEPTHS OF BETRAYAL OF AN INNOCENCE…A RUBBING SALT INTO THE WOUNDS OF TOO MUCH EARLY CHILD SPLITTING OFF INTO THE ‘IMAGINARY’…
SO MUCH INNER NECESSITY CHANNELLED INTO DREAMS AND THE CONSTRUCTION OF A FANTASY PERFORMANCE PERSONALITY…WHAT YOU SEE IS NOT WHAT YOU GET…
‘YOU ARE NOT THE PERSON I WANTED YOU TO BE’…
‘HOW COULD I HAVE FAILED SO MISERABLY IN MY DREAM’?
I HAD CROSSED HER ‘ORBITAL’ ZONING…BREACHING THE FIREWALL OF ‘HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED’…THE ‘HELLFIRE…THE DRAGONFIRE’…
I WAS SEEING THE FIREWALL IN THE CONTEMPT WHERE BETRAYAL OF SELF OCCURS IN THE DENIAL OF RAGES AND THE CONTROLS THAT ARE ‘ABANDONMENT AVOIDANCE’…
I HAD VENTURED INTO MOM AND DAD SAFETY TIME…A SPACE OF DEFENSIVENESS IN VOLATILITY WAYS OF ANTICIPATION AND REACTIVITY…THE PSYCHE’ PLACES AND POCKETS OF STORAGE…STORED ‘RAGE.
THE HEART NEEDS A TRUTH OF ‘REAL TIME’ INTIMACY TO TRULY BE FRESH IN OXYGEN AND HORMONAL BIOCHEMISTRIES…
QUESTING FOR TRANSFORMATION MEANS LETTING GO OF THE ARCHAIC INFRASTRUCTURE THAT WAS BUILT OUT OF ‘OPPRESSION’… ‘SUPPRESSION’ AND ‘REPRESSION’…
PERSONAL LIBERATION… THE GREAT EMOTIONS OF TRANSFORMATION ARE OSMOTIC…THEY ARE ‘BETWIXT’ AND ‘BETWEEN’ IN THE ALCHEMY OF ETHERIA…THE ENERGIES RELEASED IN ‘LETTING GO’ AND ‘GOING FORWARD’… THE ACROBATICS OF ALCHEMY AND EROS…SPIRITUAL AND PHYSIOLOGICAL CONNECTION IN MUTUAL RECIPROCITY OF ‘DYNAMISM’…IT IS A CONSCIOUSNESS THAT ‘SEXUALITY’ MOVES THROUGH STAINED GLASS’…
EROS THE LIFE FORCE IS ‘WILL’ NOT ‘WILLFUL’…A TRUTH OF PRESENCE INSTEAD OF A STRAINED REACTIVITY…IT IS THE PATH OF THE HEART INSTEAD OF THE COMPLIANCE WITH THE DEMANDS OF CHURCHES OR THE SEDUCTIONS OF ADVERTISING…IT IS AN URGENCY OF A WILL TO CONNECT NOT THE DEFIANCE OF AN INDULGENT OR RIGID WILLFULNESS…
THERE IS A NEW NECESSITY AS ONE CLIMBS THE INNER SOUL MOUNTAIN…ONE LEARNS ‘FILTRATION’…AN OSMOTIC AWARENESS OF PASSAGES AND CORRIDORS…LETTING IN AND KEEPING OUT…FILTERING THE EXCESSES OF WAVES OF ADMONITIONS… ‘BUY THIS AND BECOME THIS’… ‘BE LIKE’… ‘DON’T DO’… ‘DRESS LIKE’…LET US ‘MAKE YOU OVER’…
CONSCIOUSNESS IS BEYOND ‘MC CLUHAN’…WE LIVE IN AN ELECTRONIC COLONY SENSING THE RESONANCE OF ‘ECHOIC TIMBRE’…THE SOUND CHAOS OF COMPETING FORCES BOUNCING ECHOES OFF OF ‘MILLIONS OF INNER FIREWALLS’ OF DESIRE AND DENIAL…THE SPLIT-OFF REALITY OF THE ‘IDEALIZED’ IMAGERY AND THE CONFUSIONS OF FOSTERED MARKET SHARES OF ‘WILLFULNESS’…THE ‘CONSTRUCTIVE DISCONTENTMENT’ OF ‘BUY THIS AND BECOME THIS’…
THE GAP…THE GREAT DIVIDE…THE WAR ZONES OF THE ‘HAVE TO HAVE’ GAMES…THE CONSEQUENCES…
‘THIS IS THE WHO THAT I WOULD LIKE YOU TO SEE’
THEREIN IS THE GRAND CANYON GAP…THE TERRAIN WHERE CONFUSION AND FEARS BECOME THE CERTAINTY OF CONSUMPTION AS ‘I’D TURN BACK IF I WERE YOU’ AND ‘HE WHO HESITATES IS LOST’ LIMITS AS A ‘COST’ OF SPIRIT…IT IS THE ‘WILLFULNESS’ PARADING AS AUTHENTICITY WHEN EMULATION AND PEER REVIEWS CERTIFY ‘ACCEPTANCE’ IN A ‘MARKET SHARING’ OF SOCIAL IDENTITY…
THE STRENGTHENING OF THE SELF DEMANDS THE GENERATIVITY OF A REAL WILL TO ENTER INTO THE BATTLEFIELD OF ‘RAWNESS’…
ONE MUST BE CONSCIOUS IN OVERCOMING BLOCKS AND DISSOLVING OBSTACLES…A TUNING INTO THE REALM OF EROS CALLING HEARTY LAUGHTER AND INTIMATE URGENCY INTO THE POTENTIAL OF ‘AL’…THE REGION OF ‘AIR’ TO THE LETTER ‘A’ AND ‘VENUS’ TO THE LETTER ‘L’…THE ARENA WHERE THE ‘WOMAN SATISFIED’ COMES TO FRUITION…
‘DID YOU FUCK HER’?
OF COURSE…
SELF ACCEPTANCE IS THE AWARENESS OF ‘BY WHATEVER MEANS’ THAT PLAYS OUT AS THE DEPTH OF DRAMA OF RELATIONS…IT IS ‘TAKING AWAY’ AS IT IS ‘GIVING FREELY’…ADOLESCENT LEARNING AND GAINING SEXUAL MATURATION TAKES MANY PATHS…IN TIME WE LEARN FROM THE GOOD AND THE NOT SO GOOD FEELINGS……..OUR EXPERIENCES THAT ENABLE US TO GROW AND MORE LIKELY ‘CHOOSE WISELY’…
THE MORE ONE CONNECTS IN HEART INTEGRITY THE MORE ONE BECOMES REAL………
THE ‘PATH OF THE HEART’ IS THE PROCESS OF CONTINUOUSLY FLOWING IN THE EXPANSIONS OF ‘AUTHENTICITY’…IT IS THE GRASP OF THE SIMPLICITY OF HOW MUCH OF THE REALIZED SELF FULLY MEETS THE ‘OPPOSITE’…
THERE IS SO MUCH CONFUSION IN THE REALM OF HUMAN SEXUALITY… POWER AND WISHES ARE FREQUENTLY SUBSTITUTED FOR LOVE…FORMS OF ATTRACTION ARE EXCHANGED FOR AN ‘IDEALIZED IMAGE’…A ‘NARCISSISM’ OF ‘I WOULD LIKE TO BE’…THE FASCINATION OF THE REFLECTIONS IN THE GREAT ‘HALL OF MIRRORS’…THE ‘BLINDNESS’ OF ONLY SEEING WHAT WE WANT TO SEE’…
THE ‘SUCKING THREATS OF WISHES’ INTERSECT WITH THE ECHOES OF THE ‘INFANTILE TYRANNY WITHIN’ AS ONE RELEASES IN A ‘CROSSROADS’ OF ACCUMULATIONS OF ANGERS AND ‘DEEP INNER NECESSITY’ DESIRES AND HUNGERS…
‘PRIDE GOETH BEFORE A FALL’…THE ‘ARROGANCE OF POWER’…THE ‘POWER CORRUPTS ABSOLUTELY’…
WHEN DOES ONE FIND THE TRUTH OF CONFIDENCE AND HUMILITY…THE ‘LIGHTNING ROD OF PRESENCE’…
IT IS AN ACROBATIC PROCESS DRIVING FORWARD TO HARMONIZE HEART AND THE HUMAN NEED TO TRANSFORM AND GROW…TO ‘SHED THE SKINS’ OF YESTERDAY’S DREAMS AND CONFUSIONS AND NOT RECOIL BACK TO THE WAYS OF EARLIER CONSTRAINTS’…
‘WHERE IS THE INTIMACY OF ‘COMING FORWARD’ IN AN AFFIRMATION OF INTIMATE PRESENCE MOVING BEYOND THE SELF ABSORPTIONS OF NARCISSISM’?
THE DISCOVERY OF THE REAL SELF INCLUDES ALL KINDS OF ‘EXPLORATIONS’ YET IT IS ONLY IN THE GROWTH BEYOND SELF ABSORPTION THAT ONE ENCOUNTERS THE CONVULSIVENESS OF REAL POTENTIAL…
MEMORIES…ECHOES… WOUNDS…PERSONAL ARMORING AND AUTHENTICITY…LISTENING TO THE TRUTH OF THE HEART IN THE DARKNESS…SENSING WHAT MUST BE FACED…
RECOGNIZING TRAPS AND SNARES IN ‘NEEDINESS’ MASQUERADING AND MANIPULATING TO ACHIEVE ‘DOMINANCE’… ‘DENIAL’ MANEUVERING TO KEEP CONTROL… GAMES OF SEDUCTION AND DECEPTION TO FEEL POWER AND OVERCOME SENSES OF ‘LACK’… INSTANT GRATIFICATION AND RELEASE BLINDING ONESELF TO THE TRUTH OF ONE’S REAL POSSIBILITY….
YOU MUST REDEFINE IT AS YOUR OWN JOURNEY…YOUR JOURNEY TO REACH OUT FOR WHAT IS MEANINGFUL…YOUR OWN LIFE…
‘DID YOU FUCK HER’?
2006 [C] WPC REVISED 1.8.10
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